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About Darci

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  1. Giving no credence to my concerns, wants, needs. getting upset with me for my insistence that we purchase a new refrigerator we needed instead of the fishing boat he wanted. He had the right to be upset, he did NOT have the right to say sure darci, I will let the kids STARVE so we can buy you a new fridge we don't even NEED (ours hadn't yet crapped out but was on its way so I just went along with him). No compromising ever. What he wanted all the time, and it was what "he thought i wanted, he did it for me after all". Pfft Procrastinating on anything I wanted. making me work for everything I wanted, andnjustify and explain and defend everything I wanted, for instance in order to get the new refrigerator, we had to repair the kitchen floor and to do that we had To have the electric socket re wired, and in order to do that we had to have the driveway sealed. I don't remember exactly the sequence of events that had to happen to get the fridge delivered, but that's the gist of it. giving silent treatment but blaming me for giving it to him always, always, always late for our dates. When I mentioned it upset me, he blamed my mother for putting ideas in my head. Wtf??? gut feelings.....I was apprehensive about being with him forever, not excited.
  2. Hugs, WB, what a jerk he was to say all that to you. i am righteously indignant on your behalf. Ugh. He has the right to be disappointed because why?? His wifeymachine didn't perform? Pfft. Jerk. i am so sorry. darci
  3. Hi all, youve all been so helpful and I have another question. My h has been in one of his moods.....that is, I basically can do nothing right.....anyway, I had about had it even though I didn't say anything and I swear he senses that. Earlier in the day I said, if you take an easy walk tomorrow, I would go along. He said nothing. Not even an acknowledgement I spoke. So I said, did you hear me? He said, yeah, you said you would go along if I take an easy walk tomorrow. That's it! He didn't say ok, he didn't say I'd love you to go along, just repeated the question. So I figured he didn't want me along, no problem as I know he walks for exercise and walks hard, but he could have said something, anything. But I figured he's in a mood so I let it go. but he keeps picking and poking and sort of nonspecifically antagonizing, and I finally got fed up and just sat there not really talking to him. So after a while of me just minding my own business and working on a cross stitch, he said, "what's the matter with you now??" i was floored. I said I am tired and a little sore (recent surgery). Ii thought about it and finally said, you know you could talk nicer to me, and be a little more caring. He said he is caring. I mentioned the example of not answering when I said about the walk. He said, he was immediately thinking of where he could walk so I could go along. I said I didn't know that, you said nothing. He said he doesn't remember not saying anything. then I mentioned the what's the matter with you now question. He didn't remember that either, I said you don't think you could have asked me nicer. Oh yeah, he remembers asking, but he was just asking how I was feeling. He was being caring, I said that wasn't caring, that was demanding, he doesn't remember that but he's sorry. i said you're not sorry if you don't even remember dong it, nor re you sorry if you ink you were being nice! And I asked him if he's ever asked a buddy how he is like that. He doesn't remember any of this stuff I brought up. how can he not remember? Does he not remember? is he clueless? Or is he lying and trying to not be accountable? I mean come on, how do you not remember when you were nasty, even if you try to pass it off as not nasty, I'm not that sensitive, ladies, I let an awful lot of snapping go. i asked him if he's being intentionally mean or if he just takes me so much for granted that he feels he doesn't have to be nice to me. He actually got upset about being accused of taking me for granted. It was really weird how that bothered him, I think maybe his ex wife might have accused him of taking her for granted. then he said he's trying to keep me active so I don't deteriorate. Are you freaking serious dude? I said, have you ever known me to NOT exercise? I did well with this surgery but I am supposed to rest, not overdo it, and I haven't been laying around lazy and doing nothing but he acts like I have. I just don't think he was being caring, I think he was being an insensitive jerk. cripes. I'm so upset, now today he's being nice, Any thoughts? darci
  4. Yes, WB, it is still abuse. the guilt he tries to give you when you take classes, for spending soooo much time away from family, don't you just think you should spend MORE time at home and not go to the therapy that helps you see what he is?? ....sorry, sarcasm.... pfffft! Jerk. i understand what you're saying because my h is similarly covert. its hard to accept because it doesn't seem like abuse if you were to try to tell someone, even a therapist, about it, it's just one little thing, and then one more little thing, and one more.....heck, none of them alone is anything at all. Anyone can be insensitive at times, or make a joke in bad taste, or snap at their spouse. But it's all of that, and it's often enough that you recognize a pattern. that article you linked? I remember once telling my husband, who had just asked my opinion of something and my opinion didn't agree with his.....I said you don't want my opinion, you want my AGREEMENT! And he also does that thing in the article where he puts me into a position of defending myself and the original subject is lost.....I.e., me.....I rally wish you wouldn't snap at me like that when I haven't done anything wrong. h.....oh right, darci, I snap at you. You're the one who flipped out at me! me.....I did not! I was trying to discuss this with you..... h......no, you flipped out. You always flip out, you're always yelling at me, I can't do anything right now that you're in menopause... me......I am not having hormonal issues, and I did not flip out! see? That's an example. That isn't abusive per se, but it's always like that. It's a pattern. He does it all the time! So yes, it's abusive, it's emotional abuse. and I think your h is emotionally abusive in that same sneaky way. If you think he is, then HE IS, wB. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust your knowledge of how YOU treat him to see the difference in how HE treats you, and know that what you think is true. Darci
  5. That's really awful, reenie. You were told exercise restrictions because you'd had major abdominal surgery! What is it with these Guys??? But frankly, I think that's where my h is headed too......he's starting with the exercise is good for you thing, but what he really means is......I don't want to wait on you, I want you doing for me. I mean, I am not one to sit around and even my doctor mentioned that it will be hard but she wants me to take it easy because she knows how active I normally am, but he makes me feel like I am milking this. jerks, all of them. I am always amazed at how alike they all are when I read or post here. It makes me wonder if most men are like this. You know, like if we remarried, god forbid, would the next guy be the same because they ALL, or most, are like this? I don't know many who are NOT like this! Or, are they nice to the general public, like my h is, but then treat their wives like this? So you never really know, do you? The nicest guy could be a real jerk to his wife, even though you think he's nice when you talk to him at work, or at church, or whatever.
  6. Thanks to all for the input. thinking more about it, i think he "bullies" me, picks at me, "teases" me for the purpose of making me react in anger. Because I am not allowed to be angry at him. If I am, he feels justified becoming even angrier, and then scolding me for how intolerant I am, or how I am always grouchy, or whatever. so, I think he's trying to get me angry! Because he hurt his leg, so he's in pain and feeling resentful and grouchy and whatever else goes on in his immature mind, and in order to justify being mad at ME, he needs a reason. So he makes me mad so he can become angry at me. i on how crazy that Sounds! But I've thought it before, and it seems to be his way. Anyway, thank you, wb, for the healing thoughts! I am feeling better 9 days out but almost afraid to let on that I feel pretty good because he will lose what little patience and fake empathy he does have and expect me to do more, or at least get pissy with me because I'm not doing for him. He's already talking about me "babying" myself and how exercise after surgery is good for you. Never mind the D oc said exercise restrictions, don't overdo it, for six weeks! Argh! His wifey-machine is out of order and I don't think he likes it much by his comments. When he's laid up, I go out of my way to make him comfortable, take duties off him, and make him NOT feel bad about not being able to do stuff! and that's another thing......I never, ever, joke about that kind of thing with him. Not ever. Not even once. Ever. Zero. So I do feel confident he wouldn't hurt me, it does make me apprehensive. And why would you want to tease your wife and make her apprehensive about what might happen, even accidentally, if not to bully her in some way???
  7. Thanks quaddie. It is upsetting. It's not scary in that I am not afraid he's going to DO those things, just that he talks about it like a 12 year old, and thinks it's funny, and worse, that I should think it's funny too. And it's not. It's stupid, it's childish, and it's not nice. A guy should be extra nice to his wife when she's laying in a hospital bed, not "joking with her" and for sure notncovertly bullying her into thinking he's being funny. I know it's not going to change. He's never going to change. I know that. It's who he is, to me, anyway. i googled projection. Bingo. But why??? and now I wonder if what I think I find distasteful in him is actually ME, ugh! You know, is it ME projecting??? I don't think so but......well, he probably doesn't think so either. And I get the feeling he is somewhat upset, though he won't say he's upset about it but rather just acts out.....I think he misses his wifey-machine doing for him. Today he said, I thought when you got your results back that all was well, youd talk sexy to me again. Yeah, right dude.....i am stiff and sore, wearing pjs all day, and no makeup, but yeah, I feel like talking sexy to you, sarcasm, by the way. And there again, he won't Ask for sex, he just makes these little comments to let me know he's not pleased. for that matter, it often seems like I can't please him no matter what I do. I made dinner yesterday for the first time since surgery.....he commented that I didn't make something different. Not how good it was, but i thought you were going to make this or that. No big deal, just one more tiny I'm just a little just short of the mark comment.
  8. This is going to sound really strange. My h often accuses me of things he does. for instance.....the other week he was giving me one word answers, his version of silent treatment, and a friend of his called. He perked right up and laughed and talked to this guy, then hung up and back to silent treatment with me. so, the other day he was "teasing" me (picking at me, joking that isn't funny) and I wasn't laughing and was basically only talking to him about things like the weather, or answering him, not being very conversational. Then my mom called and I told her how I was feeling as I had just had major surgery, and she said some things and I chuckled a little. When I hung up my h said, I wish you would talk to ME like that, you perk right up when someone calls but you don't talk to me. wTH??? That's MY complaint about HIM! its happened about other things too, where he accuses me of doing what MY complaints of HIM are! It is soooo weird. It's like he's saying it so I would look ridiculous to say well you do that too, or maybe he only sees it in me because he does it? I have no idea but just wondering if anyone else has that experience. oh and about the surgery.....my h has literally no empathy for me. In the hospital he joked about what the buttons on my monitor were for, whether he could pinch my IV like in the movies, and what if he leaned over me and accidentally slipped......now I know he would never hurt me but it bothers me that he thinks these things are funny. It's not funny to scare someone, even in joking! Then he gets mad because I don't laugh, or insulted that I take it seriously. WTH??? and before surgery he kept talking about how I will be up and about and can go out to dinner in a few days with him, and other things I could do. I said no, the doctor said six weeks, blah blah. He actually got mad at me because he was only joking and I should know that! In what phoey universe is it funny to joke about someone's surgery like that? At least it's not funny to the person who's is weak and sore. Sheesh. darci
  9. I'm afraid I agree with quaddie. My husband does this thing.....we will be talking about something and he will "notice" that I "look mad" when I was unaware I looked any way at all. Or he will say I "seem disinterested" when I am not acting that way, or feeling that way, at all. please proceed with caution. My h uses those supposed things he sees in my expressions or actions to accuse me of being angry, not caring about him, not being interested in anything he says, and various other things. Then he gets mad at me, and uses that as a "valid" reason to give me the silent treatment. just my two cents darci
  10. Oh WB, I know what you mean. Everyone who knows my h thinks I am lucky too.....he's so honest and humble, he wouldn't cheat on me, he doesn't drink or waste money or any of the things one usually thinks of when they say their hubs are jerks. and the people who validate me too are people who don't know him. thats MY confusion too. I totally get it. i don't have any advice for you, just that I get it. I have told a special friend whose husband is similar. She also doesn't know him and I don't know hrs, but we validate each other, and we can talk about it and that makes it seem less unreal. Or something. But it helps. i often wonder if I saw a therapist and she would see only my side of the story, only hear what I tell her, how that could possibly be helpful. I'd rather a fly on the wall, someone who sees both sides, hears his part AND mine. You know? as far as leaving, it's ok that you are conflicted. I am too. I don't want to leave, for lots of reasons. I want him to be nice. Not ACT nice but BE nice,. It can't be that hard. How could it be difficult to be nice, genuinely nice, to the person you call your best friend? ugh. hugs, wb.
  11. Oh nice. Minimize the issue you have, turn it around onto you, and then give a response according to HIS reality, which has nothing whatsoever to do with what you're trying to say to him. wish I had advice, but all I can do is shake my head. It's just so typical. pfft Darci
  12. i know this sounds weird but along the lines of trusting our instincts..... I sometimes think my H does this road blocks stuff TO exasperate me. On purpose! His father does it.....he purposely throws road blocks up, and then sits back and enjoys the exasperation, annoyance and anger of his wife (although in his case, the enjoyment is visible, he SMIRKS at her anger.). My H doesn’t show visible enjoyment but I swear the only reason you would do that, over and over again, is if you WANTED to annoy your wife, and enjoyed annoying her, and LIKED having her exasperated and confused, only to then tell her that you were “just saying” something, or “just trying to TALK to her and always getting in trouble for trying to have a conversation with her.” Pfft. So, with that in mind: II feel like its a setup. I feel that it’s for the soul purpose of annoying me, angering me, so that I DO get mad and strike out at him (verbally), only to have HIM then be able to get (what he feels is righteously) MAD AT ME for ‘always being mad at him , or getting mad for no reason’. Like he can’t just BE MAD at me (because I basically walk on eggshells around him and give him little reason to be legitimately mad), so he makes ME finally snap at him so HE can be mad at me for my “bad attitude” or my “ ‘constant’ bad mood” or whatever. I’m just thinking “out loud” here..... Any thoughts?
  13. Yes, WB, let's do this together. Oh geez. Lol. Sooo, for the next week we try to NOT ask for "permission" and not run every little thing by our h's. I am ashamed to say that is going to be difficult for me,. I find myself doing it over EVERYTHING, worrying about what he will say about everything I do or decide to do. Ugh. but I need to develop some autonomy. I know that. I need to stop this permission garbage from a guy who argues with everything I decide, I swear just for the sake of making me explain myself, or defend my decision. I swear it happens so often that I can almost know what he will say when I suggest something. and thanks, quaddie, for your "normal" examples. Those replies are what I would give to him, if it was reversed, so I guess on some level I have always known this isn't right. But it's so easy to dismiss it when he says he didn't mean anything by it, or he was just asking, or whatever blah blah blah he comes up with to make me feel wrong. and I DO see how I try to get his approval. I always have, it's how I was raised. And I don't want to force something down his throat, I want him to just sometimes WANT to say oh ok instead of that constant making me defend or justify my decisions. ok, WB, let's work on this. Yikes. Lol
  14. Thanks quaddie. if I were to say I am going to the store, and he says why don't you wait until tomorrow and we will both go, or but we HAVE enough food so just use what's here.....and I go anyway, I will come home to silent treatment or him telling me how I am grumpy "all of a sudden" or "for the past year" (implying menopause)......its just not worth it. but you're right. I need to stop asking his "permission" and just DO things. I think that's it.... I want him to SEE what he does, and then I want him to STOP. I don't do that to him! If he says he wants to go to the hardware store, I say oh ok. That's it!! I don't say he already has screws, or does he really NEED another hammer, I say OK. thats what I want. Respect. Partnership. Equality. Is that so phoey hard? Now can he NOT see that? How can ANYONE not see that? ugh!
  15. ((White butterfly)) thank you,. As usual, you cut right to the heart of it......from experience i know, so I am sorry that it's the same for you but sure glad we can share experiences and validate each other. You are absolutely right.....he would be everyone's least favorite person if he talked to them the way he talks to me. He MUST know what he's doing or he wouldnt do it differently with others. And yes, when I point these things out, he gets more angry, and basically without saying it in the words, accuses me of trying to start a fight, or taking it wrong. Gaslighting. Interesting. Will check out that link next. today again.....I picked up a little free notepad at a shop we were in and said I'd keep it in the car. He said you have plenty of paper. I argued, then finally said, exasperated, dude it's just a free tablet, not worth your commenting on how much paper I have. He said, I wasn't bitching about it, I was just saying. And he got mad. he comments on everything. If I want to look at shoes, he says You have LOTS of shoes. If I want to have spaghetti for dinner, he says we just HAD spaghetti. If I say I am going to take a walk, he says, I thought you were going to your parents. If I say I am going to the bank, he says he thought I was going to run the vacuum. But all that, well that's just him saying, he's not bitching or saying I shouldn't do whatever. Pfft. How would YOU take it? He says I never want to go on vacation with him. Sooooo, I say Lets rent a place at the shore, he says I thought you get carsick. (It's a long drive and I DO get carsick). So I say I do but I would take Dramamine, he says that makes you sleepy and I'd be driving by myself basically. So I say well then I won't take a Dramamine, I will use a patch, he says, I thought the patch made you feel weird. Arrrrgggghhhhhh! if I say I want to bake brownies, he says we just had brownies or I don't want brownies. But note he only criticizes, he doesn't offer a solution (like I would say I am not into brownies, how about pudding, could we do that?). So I say how about vanilla cupcakes? Nope, he wants pumpkin pudding......i say I don't have pumpkin but will go get some. Nope, he doesn't want to run to the store tonight (God forbid I go by myself).....just forget it. I end up frustrated and not knowing what the hell to bake. he just never ever says "oh, ok." NEVER! It is one great big huge constant frustration, he is constantly throwing up roadblocks about everything and I don't know what to do about it. It's not that he's being mean exactly, but it's frustrating and annoying as hell....and when I get angry, he acts like I am the one with a problem! and just try telling him HE is the one causing a problem and he gets MAD. He doesn't try to be more aware, he says I am a being grumpy or whatever, and he gets mad. There is no solution, no talking to him, no suggesting he could just sometimes say oh ok. darci