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whitebutterfly11

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  1. In a sense, his brain is wired like that of a young child, but it's not necessarily that he's unaware (like a young child might be), it's that he doesn't care. He doesn't care to put any thought into what is on a table. He feels like the table belongs to him, so he has a right to plop whatever he wants onto that table, regardless of what is already there, because it's his house, his table. He feels like his needs take precedence over the needs of everyone else. His mind is saying: "I'm late to work, so I can put my bag wherever I want, and if things fall or break because of it, it's not my fault. It shouldn't have been there in the first place. It was in my way. My house and my table ought to be exactly the way I want them to." And when you bring it to his attention (which was awesome) he is saying in his mind: "Now you are in my way, telling me I'm wrong because I broke a project that was clearly on my table, in my way. It's your fault because you should know that this is my table, my house, my rules. You should also share my opinion, because it's the only opinion that matters. If you contradict my opinion, that means I have a right to abuse you." It's entitlement. He feels entitled to be catered to by you and everyone else in the house. Hey, he even thinks objects should move themselves to convenience him. His way or the highway. His needs above all else. It's a textbook version of the abusive mindset. A person in partnership with you, who truly respected you and treated you kindly, would feel awful that he broke his granddaughter's beloved project. He would take every measure to apologize, fix what is broken, and make things right. He would also respect your rightful voicing of his mistake, and would not use anger as a way to project his guilt (which abusers cannot handle, or hold) onto you. He would take ownership of his actions and do the right, human thing. Hoping, he is terrible.
  2. I just remembered this, too: EMDR is a therapeutic method that is specifically targeted for trauma/PTSD. It is empirically proven to be quite successful in treating traumatic reactions and doesn't involve anything extensive. Not all therapists are trained in EMDR, though, so it might be worth asking your counselor about it, if she's trained or not. It certainly has helped me through some of my PTSD.
  3. I think you can walk away from this situation knowing that you gave it your best effort, dedicated a great deal of time trying to weigh out how it made you feel, acted in a fair manner in the end by honestly telling him how you feel, and also making a decision based on your own intuition (which is by far the most important aspect we can follow in these decisions). You paid attention to the insight you felt. You noticed that you weren't feeling a spark with him. That feeling indicated that there was something lacking in this relationship, that you needed. If you had chosen to ignore that and enter into a serious relationship with him anyway, that might have led to inner conflict and eventual confusion within the relationship. Your choice to pull away when you weren't feeling that deeper connection to him was wise, and honest. That way you can leave knowing you were being authentic with yourself, honoring you own heart and needs. Also, if you feel unsettled about how quickly he moved through the relationship, that's also the deeper instincts within you alerting you to something that is off. There is nothing more important in a relationship than following those instincts. In short, I believe you did the right thing! You honored your feelings and protected him for greater hurt down the line.
  4. I've never tried them only because I'm so triggered taking medications. It can be such a wonderful resource to help you through this difficult time period until you feel like you are back to "yourself". There is no shame in taking them--it is a healthy option available to you. And if you decide that this is the route you wish to take, it doesn't mean you'll be taking them forever, just as long as you need to get through this rougher patch. You can do this while also being mindful and compassionate toward yourself, telling yourself that this is self-care, it's a proactive and healthy way work through the pain and trauma you've experienced.
  5. Having a hard day. I don't know if this is a common side effect of PTSD/dissociation, but I am lightheaded and dizzy all. the. time. It interacts with my ability to think, speak and act concisely, and just about the only way I can sound "clear", is when I write. Trust me, if you talked with me in person, you would probably think I'm a total scatterbrained person who can't string two words together. Making decisions while feel foggy, detached, lightheaded, absentminded, distracted . . . is incredibly difficult. Almost impossible. Like I'm working against my own brain. There are also some HUGE truths I'm up against right now, trying so hard to accept and not dismiss because they are so painful. Both kids this week have come to me in tears telling me that their dad is always angry, always yelling, and my son even used the word abuse to describe when H lightly nudged him when he wouldn't go in his room. I've had long discussions with them, trying to make plans in my head, trying to work this all out, feeling overwhelmed but still wanting to go through with leaving. Just want to be CLEARHEADED and CAPABLE to do this, for once, without cowering at the impossibility of how it makes me feel. How do you stay awake? When you want to sink into the fog, because at least it's familiar and it detaches you from the painful truth? How do you push forward when you feel like you're going to collapse every day? How do you keep telling your brain that it really is abuse, it really is bad when it wants to shut down, go in sleep mode, and ignore it?
  6. Yes, Quaddie's advice is spot-on. Either a child is being exposed to abuse all the time (staying), or he is exposed to it sometimes (leaving). Can you imagine the relief and healing he would feel during that time when he is with you, in a safe, non-abusive environment? Then he always has a sanctuary there for him, and it will become more and more easy for him to spot the abuse because he has a contrast from it. When issues come up (as they undoubtably will with an abuser), he has that space with you to talk about it and process.
  7. Good for you, hoping!
  8. Sad

    Hi hoping, It can feel invalidating when we are trying so hard to convince ourselves that leaving is the best step to take, and then we aren't given the affirmation we need by others. It's easy, as victims of abuse, to feel like our own desire to get out is simply not enough to generate the momentum we need to leave. We want validation from others that it's okay to separate from the abuser because we've lost a measure of our ability to trust our own intuition. It's one of the side effects of abuse, to doubt ourselves and our ability to make sound decisions. Just think of how often your H rejected your opinions or criticized your choices and it's easy to see why you would feel hesitant to trust in that part of you that knows--deeply knows--that leaving an abusive person is okay. The problem is, even if other people told you to leave, encouraged you, cheered for you . . . a part of you may still second-guess yourself because you've been trained by your awful, abusive H to second-guess everything. Really, that momentum to leave needs to come from you, and you alone. Because that part of you knows better than anyone else the injustice you've lived, the absolute chaos and heLL you've endured, and though others may believe you and have compassion on what you've suffered through, they will never know the depths of your experience. But you know. You've had your momentum growing in the last little while as you've recognized abuse. Your intuition is wise, your feelings are the truth. Your suspicions about your H are always spot on. All of the momentum, the resources, and the validation you need are already there within you, growing brighter every day as you awaken to the injustice of your situation. That same momentum is going to get stronger the more your learn, the more your stand up, the more you plan. It's only going to increase. I've seen it already--you have made some incredible progress! I guess what I'm saying in all of this wordiness is: Believe in what you feel you need to do. Don't worry about the opinions of others. They are just words. Words spoken by people who do not comprehend the depth of your situation. Decide to act because you know that it's the right step for you--because you feel it. Because you see the truth. Because you know. It might be worth putting blinders on while you push forward, hoping, without involving anyone with the potential to deflate your momentum in your decision-making process. That way you're protected from those sneaky little doubts and spurs of second-guessing that stir up when other people share their (unsolicited) opinions with you. Talk to people whom you are sure will validate you in this decision, and steer clear of anyone else. Really, no one else needs or deserves to know. Most people in your life can learn about you leaving after. Then it's just a matter of saying: "Hey, I left my H." And they will deal with it. (I hope that wasn't too forward!) I'm right there with you. It's SO hard to trust in my own feelings right now. Harder than anything I've ever done. So my heart is filled with compassion for you and what you are going through.
  9. (((gone))) Technically, you owe him nothing, no explanation, just your absence. You don't owe him anything in this situation, you can just stand up and walk away. If you feel like you need to leave a note, I would keep it incredibly brief, to the point, without any clue regarding your whereabouts or your plans. That's to ensure you don't leave a trail he might be able to follow. By brief I mean: "This marriage is no longer working. The children and I have moved for our safety. Please contact my attorney with any questions." But really, no explanation needed. I have to pause for a moment here and encourage you, if you haven't already, to talk to an attorney regarding your children and any rights about separation. Are your children young? There might be laws about moving out of the home with children that you need to look into with an attorney. If I'm right about this (and others I hope will be able to chime in if I'm not) you may need a court order for temporary custody. I think this is something you can do after you get out, but it needs to be done quickly. If you've already addressed this issue, please ignore! Your safety is of utmost importance and this man has threatened to kill you. If you're afraid of him, it's okay to stand up, gather your belongings, and leave immediately, without any word to him.
  10. I'm glad you can speak your truth in your poems, ML17. Wonderful work!
  11. Yes, it's definitely abuse. There's nothing cute or funny about what he's doing, even if he's saying it in that tone. It's demeaning and nitpicky and just plain cruel. Especially if he knows you don't like it, you've asked him to stop, and he keeps doing it. Abusers like to make us the punchline of their jokes. They like us to be vessels in which they can place their anger, insults, toxins. Sometimes they think they can do this and get away with it if they use a joking tone or say it all in a seemingly affectionate voice. Nope, nope, nope. It's never okay, and it's meant to attack and disarm you. (((Confused)))
  12. Still I Rise Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014 You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I’ll rise. Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? ‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I’ll rise. Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries? Does my haughtiness offend you? Don’t you take it awful hard ‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines Diggin’ in my own backyard. You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I’ll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I’ve got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history’s shame I rise Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise.
  13. It's the most confusing thing to sort through the good vs. bad within the abuser. Remember that the good doesn't negate the bad. In fact, we can call it all abuse, and what feels good is part of the hoover of the abuse and what feels bad is the infliction of the abuse. Really, they are the same. It takes time to really internalize it, though. We really want them to be who they are when they are sorry, sweet, kind, apologetic. But a person cannot be "good" whenever he can flip a switch and abuse. That's when you see who he really is and that is the person to think of when he starts getting all nicey-nice. It kind of feels like an abuser takes your brain, mixes up pieces of it, squishes it back together, inserts it back into our heads, then challenges us to try and figure out what happened. Assuming you never would. Your power comes from recognizing that he does this, purposely, and putting those pieces together little by little. (Sorry, might have been a bad analogy!) (((HUGS)))
  14. Yes, happiness is what you are made to have! It is your right. Fight for it with all of your heart!
  15. Thank you for validating all of this ickiness for me! Wow, it totally helps to have other people's point of view. Honestly, I could write a novel about how much this sort of thing happens, but because he usually denies it and says "I wasn't trying to offend" I usually sweep it under the rug and write it off as Mr. BS's lame way of trying to give a compliment, or something equally as whitewashing. Thank you. I've had a really good experience in graduate school so far, and he is getting squirmy about it. As you've all mentioned thus far, it's definitely this sense of being threatened by any sort of success on my part, which he must diminish. My mother does the same exact thing to me. Really choice people, huh?