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About Cappelba

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  1. Hi FallingBlossoms, I'm so sorry that you have the need to be here. No one deserves to be treated the way that you have been. Quaddie and Percolate gave you excellent advice. You don't owe him an in person explanation to end the relationship. Count your blessings that you don't have kids with him. I share Quaddie's concern about the potential for him to be physically abusive. Abusers tend to escalate their behavior if they see their target pulling away or trying to end the relationship. Please do trust your gut and don't hesitate to call the police. I'm imagining that you may think we are taking it a bit too far or overreacting. But things can quickly escalate, as you've already seen in his going from 0 to 100. I used to tell my abuser that he went from 0 to 60 in a blink of an eye. We were together for 20 years and his abusive ways came out very slowly over time. In the beginning, I was the most wonderful person he had ever been with, but over time like the slow drip of a leaky faucet, he just wore me down with his criticisms, mood swings, rages and negativity. As I came out of the fog and recognized and acknowledged to myself and my therapist that I was an abused woman, his behavior escalated. I was standing up to him and telling him that I wasn't going to let him verbally abuse me. He continued to escalate. One day when I dared to point out how he was being critical of me, he went into a horrible narcisstic rage. I was so afraid of him that I secretly packed most of my clothes in trash bags and left home the next day. I left him a letter telling him I was gone and why. To this day he has never really apologized for his behavior. His apology always includes a "But if you didn't _____ , I wouldn't have said the things I did." They rarely, if ever truly accept responsibility for their behavior. I suggest you research narcisstic rage. What you've described sounds like it fits. Please continue to take care of yourself and use this forum as an element of your support system. There are a lot of amazing people here who can empathize and give you great advice!.
  2. Quaddie, I love your rhubarb analogy. My H was verbally abusive and physically intimidating, so I left over a year ago. His verbal abusiveness has abated somewhat, but I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't take much for it to rear its ugly head again. I have come to realize over the months that even if the abusiveness stops, he is not someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I don't have to stay with him just because we have a piece of paper. He broke our wedding vows years ago. I don't owe him my life! You are soooooo right. It's ok for me to decide I don't like him anymore. Religion is not an influence here and we don't have to children together. I'm going to perk on your analogy for awhile and I believe that this will help resolve some of the conflicting feelings I have been having. Whenever I have to talk to him or think of him I'm going to visualize a rhubarb pie.
  3. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond. I got the email late last night and am feeling much more centered now in the light of day. The advice and information I have gotten from this site is truly priceless. So many people here have the experience and wisdom that has been painfully "earned" from being in an intimate relationship with an abuser. It's oftentimes more valuable then what can be learned from a therapist. There's something about having gone through the fire that cannot be learned from textbooks. I have read Lundy's book several times and have identified the type of abuser he is. I have also read Patricia Evans' books and had an opportunity to personally speak to her on the phone. She actually called me after I left a voicemail. I was shocked that she would personally return the call. Another book that has been helpful is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. This is an excellent book and I think is helpful for dealing with abusers whether they are mentally ill or not. I know he does a lot of projecting and this was just another example. I am not going to respond to his email. I know that this would be pointless and would just give him what he wants - engagement. Although, I wanted to respond and remind him of all of the hurtful things he has done and said to me over the years just to get it off of my chest once and for all, I know that he can never truly "hear". He is classic in that none of it would have happened it I hadn't done whatever "IT" is that I do that sets him off. Classic in that he can't accept responsibility. It is always someone else's fault. My husband's perception of a lot of life's circumstances are not reasonable. I oftentimes think he "lives" in a different universe. He recently told me that he had a spirit come to him and he thought it might have been his dead father. He has made other similar comments that are disturbing. Unfortunately, we have a business that we are running together so I continue to have periodic contact with him. I have spent the last 13 months building the bars of my shark cage and am getting stronger. I have told him that I want a divorce and that there is no hope of reconcilation. I do know that he stills has hope, but I can only take care of me and that means the marriage is over. He has his own path to follow. Blink, I love this "abusive relationships are like the gift that keeps on giving". So true and made me literally laugh out loud. I'm going to remember this whenever I want to rip him a new one. I have seen many of your posts and have been very impressed with your observations and interpretations of behaviors and the wisdom and knowledge that you share. Again, I know that this comes from having experienced the abuse and craziness firsthand and having survived and are thriving despite it.
  4. Please help me with how to respond to an email my estranged husband has sent to me. The email included an article about narcissistic personality disorder that I have pasted below. I know that I should not respond, but the article about narcissistic personality disorder is difficult for me to ignore because my husband displays quite a few traits of someone suffering from this disorder. I have not shared my suspicions with him because I have become educated enough about personality disorders to know that there is nothing to be gained from doing so. I did tell his brother that I believed that he is mentally ill, but did not provide any examples of what I believe this. I just want to get out of this relationship as amicably as I can. He is a damaged human being and I am willing to let him think that I am the reason that this marriage didn't work if it means that financially I come away relatively intact. I also know that you can't argue with crazy. The backstory is that I ran away from home on 1/15/2014 after a particularly mean and nasty rant and rage at me. He is a classic textbook abuser and especially abusive because his style is covert. He has never hit or shoved me, etc., but he has been physically intimidating, and his modus operandi is verbal and psychological abuse. The abuse had been going on for a number of years and I had been slowly coming put of the fog thanks to my therapist and lots of reading and researching on the Internet. I know without any doubt that my husband has various personality disorder traits. My therapist agrees with me based on her meeting with him, hearing audio recordings and reading texts messages and other writings of his. I do not know if these traits are sufficient enough to have him officially diagnosed as having one. I do know with every fiber of my being that these characteristics have made it intolerable and unsafe for me to live with him and I have made the decision that we will be divorced. Having an official diagnosis is not necessary. I know what I know. I've lived with IT for more than 20 years. Anyway back to the email. I apologize in advance if I have broken a rule of the forum in pasting this excerpt. He sent me the following email (his email text is in red) with the article in green text pasted into it. I have just included an excerpt of the article "Maybe this applies to our disfunction. I'm not trying to label or blame! I am trying desperately to understand the dynamics of what drove us apart. Please don't get all up in arms of the suggestion that this might have some merit." ← Healing from Narcissistic Mothers You Scream–Narcissist Accuses You of Losing Control Posted on February 26, 2015 by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD Narcissistic personalities are master manipulators and control artists. Observing them from a detached angle is like viewing a master painter make fine, perfect brush strokes across his canvass. The application is flawless and effortless. Spouses and children of narcissists are frequently ambushed by these masters of mood. They know how to read your nonverbals and record every tonal nuance of your voice. They are particularly skilled at activating your lowest emotional depths when you are feeling the most vulnerable. They intimidate and humiliate you on your core psychological issues. If you have severe abandonment issues, they threaten to leave you. If you cry easily, they work on your tender heart and watch you tear up and flow. They provoke feelings of anger and helplessness in their spouses by accusing them of lying, being duplicitous or betraying them. They hit you over and over again until you can’t hold it in any more and start screaming at them. You hear your voice reaching shrills and are shocked by its volume. When everything is quiet they stare at you coldly and say: “You have no self control. What the hell is the matter with you?” You shrink and feel so small that you want to disappear and never come back. On the heals of this attack they insinuate that you are “crazy” meaning that you have something very seriously wrong with your psyche and thinking processes. They convince you over time with these tactics that it is you who are severely disturbed. Spouses of narcissists and children of narcissists speak of the role that was given to them as the crazy, the mixed up one. It is the narcissistic personality who is disturbed and bubbling with rage of Vesuvian proportions. When he/she accuses you of losing control, he is projecting these powerful feelings on to you. After all, in his eyes you are the inferior, the weaker one. According to his enormous ego, this individual has command of your life. Break this cycle of abuse by first recognizing and understanding the true nature of the narcissist. This personality is deeply ingrained and very unlikely to change. The narcissist with all of his self absorption is consciously unaware of his internal psychological processes. These individuals tend not to awaken from the psychological belief that they are the perfect ones and others are at their disposal for exploitation and control and use as narcissistic supplies who will adore, obey and serve them. I greatly appreciate any feedback and advice that you can provide.
  5. Welcome Darci, I, too, got knots in my stomach and felt your pain and confusion when I read your post. I have been with my husband for 20 years, but I left in January after his verbal abuse and physical intimidation escalated. His abuse has gotten worse as he has gotten older. I suspect that you will experience the same thing with your husband particularly after he retires. He'll have less to distract him and more time to be pi$$ed off at the world and take it out on you. I spent years trying to do the right thing, but to no avail. It doesn't matter, they can always find something to pick at or bait you until you get angry with them so, that they can release the tension that has been building up inside of them. Search the internet for the cycle of abuse. It might explain what is happening in your relationship. My husband has for years accused me of always being on guard and defensive all the while denying that he had a tone or had thrown some nasty barb. I tried to get him to understand that he had some responsibility in my responding defensively, but he could not own that he had said things that were hurtful and abusive. A number of years ago while doing marital counseling I suggested we record our incidents. He agreed until one night when he didn't like it and he took the recorder and threw it against the wall. I highly recommend recording it for your own benefit, but you have to be careful because in some states you can't record without the other person's consent. I have recorded a number of conversations with my husband and listening back to them has been incredibly enlightening and helped me to see that it's not about me, it's all about him. That doesn't mean I am without responsibility. I heard myself trying to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). This just added fuel to the fire and does not work with an abuser. It helped me to recognize that he is a manipulator and to know that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't fix it. I can only control me. I am not responsible for his behavior or how he reacts to mine. Keep reading, you have begun a journey that will change your life!
  6. OMG, I talked too fast and for me it was peeling carrots. He would comment in disdain when I used a vegetable peeler and gave me directions on how to properly place the pot lid on the counter when cooking. It had to be with the handle down so that there was no water dripping on the counter. I'm sure I can come up more, but the bottom line was that he was just trying to help me and make my life easier. When I tried to gently tell him that I understood but that there was more than one "right" way to do things I hurt his feelings which then led to brutally painful circular arguments. I've been with him for 20 years, married for 13 of those. Slowly but surely since we got married he has escalated the control, physical intimidation and verbal abuse. The worst incident was in January of this year. He screamed at me within inches of my face and was very physically threatening. I realized that I could no longer jeopardize my emotional and physical well being. I did the best that I could to make it through the remainder of the day while secretly putting my clothes in trash bags and hiding them in my car. The next morning I left the house under the guise of going to the bank. I have not moved back home, although he has tried to "lure" me back with his words of love and promises. I'm still working to get beyond the guilt and obligation, so that I can definitively tell him that it is over and I am not coming back. Hang in there, you've made the first baby step in recognizing that his treatment of you is not right. You'll find lots of support and helpful information on this forum.
  7. I don't mind sharing. These forums have been a life saver for me and I want to be able to give back and pay it forward. I apologize in advance if my response is too detailed or lengthy. While I have left the house I am still going back to our home to do the necessary work to cut the paychecks for our employees and pickup the checks from customers so that I can make bank deposits. I really dread being there because I'm afraid he is going to snap one of these times and physically attack me. I try to go when I know one of our employees will be their but that is not always possible. I'm able to do estimates and invoices remotely from my daughters house as I have loaded Quickbooks on a laptop I've taken with me. I have forwarded the business line to my cell phone so that I can also take all the business calls. This is a second marriage for both of us and he wanted a prenuptial, so the prenuptial states that I get my pension and 401K that was vested before we were married and he keeps the business. Interestingly he has mentioned not having a retirement/pension if we end up divorced several times over the last few weeks. I haven't mentioned the prenup, I'm keeping that in my back pocket. I don't want to give him any more information than I have to. Next time he says that I'm going to remind him that he has a business that can pay him more than my pension does. However the truth is that the business is doing waaaay better since I came into the picture and started helping him run it. Mine made some dumb a$$ comment recently that he could get someone in to replace me within 48 hours who would be better than me. I asked him if this person knows about the type of work we do and the bottom line is that no she doesn't. It was just a way to try to demean me and try to scare me that he was going to replace me. They look for any opportunity to shake your self confidence and try to make themselves feel better. I bet on some level he knows that you could run the business better than he can and make it even more successful! They are pitiful excuses for human beings. I understand about not having the ability to do the service work. He used to do the work himself, but as he got older he couldn't do it, as ours is a landscape and tree company. We have to have employees to do the actual work. Is this something that you could consider for your business? The truth is that at some point in time I expect most service business owners have to transition the work to someone else. It just makes sense that over time the owner's knowledge, time and expertise is better spent on generating more business and growing the business versus doing the actual work. I get the same crap from my husband. He is either doing it for me or for everyone else. He complains about how he is the last one on the list, but the truth is it is always about him. Major revelation and step in coming out of the fog is to recognize that it is ALWAYS all about them. Every breath they take and move they make is always about getting their narcissistic supply. Don't ever forget that and now that you know that you will see it more and more. I know I'm looking back on the past and am now recognizing things that happened way back when that were clearly signs and flags that I just didn't see. You don't know what you don't know, but once you know something you can't unknown it. Keep reading I'm sure it will help you immensely. In case no one has mentioned either of these books, I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That" and Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". This is not an easy path to walk, but you'll be a stronger person for it.
  8. Hi b4ugo, if I didn't know better I would think someone is online impersonating me and writing about my life. I have struggled with the same feeling of always being in trouble or waiting for him to tell me what I've done wrong. He is always changing the rules and how things should be done. I'll think I've done it the "right" way, aka his way, and then he'll change it all up and make it out to be that I didn't get it when he told me how to do "it" the first time. Even though I know good and well that this isn't true because I know all too well the consequences of not doing it right. I have been with my husband for 20 years and run the office for his business. He, too, never takes vacations because he has to be here for the business and it is also a service business. Unfortunately, he has become increasingly abusive over the last 6 or 7 years. He has several health issues and I have been patient, supportive and understanding for as much as humanly possible. In January of this year he finally pushed me to my limit by screaming at me to shut the f$&k up, getting right up close to my face and slamming doors and threatening to slap himself. I was genuinely afraid for my physical safety. I left and and have not returned. He badgers me on a regular basis to come back home and has now twisted the facts so that he is now the victim and I have to show him that I love him and want him. Recently he has decided that because my father was an alcoholic for the first 12 years of my life and abused my mother, this is the real source of my problems. Not the fact that he is verbally and emotionally abusive, as well as physically intimidating! Classic abuser tactic, blame the victim. What garbage. I absolutely agree that you need to contact an attorney to determine what your legal rights are with regard to the business. It may be much better than you think. They have a gift for making you doubt yourself and reality.