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sunshine27

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About sunshine27

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  1. It's always someone else's fault!
  2. Sickntired, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please don't go back. Your H's shenanigans with the credit cards tells me he wants you to be scared of him. That too was a mild form of physical violence. You are just now waking up to the abuse so I highly suggest educating yourself. Everything will make so much more sense. "Why Does He Do That," by Lundy Bancroft is a great place to start. Read and post lots. We don't mind text walls, we read every word. You are in a safe space with a lot of people who understand. Be sure you are taking care of yourself too. Abusers are wired differently than the rest of us. You will never really understand his thought patterns just know that are not like a healthy normal person. Big hugs! I understand where you are right now and yes, something can be done about it. It's not an easy road but once the light hits it will keep shining.
  3. Fluffy, my ex pulled some crap with AA on me too. I've recently been wrestling with sobriety and I contacted my ex to see what meetings he goes too. We actually have a lot where I live. He goes to a ton of them too! I decided it was in both of our best interest that I do not attend the same ones. He replied to my message saying that he goes to what is convenient and he couldn't give me a schedule. Basically at this point I don't go because I know I can't run into him. He is a trigger for me. I feel your pain.
  4. What if there is that handsome, funny, and not scary guy waiting for you? Do you really think he will find happiness away from you? Since I have been divorced (3 years) my ex appears to be happy on the outside but for some darn reason people like to tell me what's he's up to. I swear, once a week someone will come up to me and say "I saw Weasel yesterday at ..." or "I think I saw Weasel drinking at blah, blah, blah." Luckily God has kept me from him since mediation except one time I saw him on a corner when I was driving. Lord my radar went off!!! I sensed he was there. He is on an emotional rollercoaster (I am too) and still single. I have heard that he is drinking again but I don't know for sure. Something I actually do not wish for him because it could kill him. He has no shut off switch with alcohol really and already has a host of problems from drinking in his 20's. Even if he was in a relationship he will do the same things to her that he did to me. He will never change but by the grace of God. I have learned the same about other people. Friend leaves abusive man. Abusive man finds new woman. Abusive man abuses new woman. It takes a while to realize these things but abusers never change. They may change tactics but they are still abusing others. I have seen this sooooo much in the past three years with people I know and talk to on a weekly basis. IMO you are better off leaving for good, having a crappy time for a while, realizing that life is actually a lot better now and then integrating yourself into a new life free of abuse and the option to choose what you want your life to contain. I have been up and down a lot since I left and I'm finally making those choices for myself. Meetup.com is my favorite friend right now. I don't really even want to date. It would be nice after 3 years of being single but I'm having fun making new friends and having new experiences. I poured a concrete floor this morning and I'm pretty darn proud of myself! I found a meetup group for people who like to travel who are single. Now that I will have more money coming in (finally) I can do that. If you make those right choices after you leave (I did not, but that was the path I had to travel) you will be off to an awesome new life quickly! We all have our path and a different time frame for things but do you really want to live in misery? That's why I got out. I was sick of the misery. It was making my body sick. My body is still sick but hopefully soon that is going to change. Much love sister. We all support you in whatever you choose.
  5. Amicab - This is going to be hard for a while. I've been divorced for 3 years and I still miss our "good" times. Now that I'm our and I look back, those good times weren't really great. They were often centered around feeding his ego one way or another. They were not about my happiness or our growth together. I'm sorry you are where you are right now. It can and will get better if you let it. Maybe some books might help for you to understand better. I know they helped me. Lundy Bancroft - "Why Does He Do That," and anything by Patricia Evans is a great place to start. Unfortunately anger management nor marriage counseling help with abusive men (or women). It often makes the abuse worse or covert as Bennu experienced. Please keep posting and reading. We all understand and we are all here to support you! I am happy you are away from him. I know it is hard but he sounds dangerous and as I mentioned physical abuse often escalates more each time it happens. They are ticking time bombs and you never know when they will explode.
  6. It's been three years and sometimes I miss him. Then I remind myself of all the awful things he did and I stop missing him.
  7. Just a heads-up - physical violence (including breaking things) is classified as physical abuse because it is intimidation. My ex used to break my things "accidentally" all the time. He was a special kind of passive aggressive type.
  8. Amicab, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your H is definitely physically abusive. Physical abuse starts out small for most and then escalates. My ex used to be intimidating when raging at me then it turned to knocking things off surfaces. It escalated to throwing things. I knew the next step was hitting me the next time he got angry. This is all very new for you. I'm so glad you called the police. There are times I wished I had when I was married. Please be kind to yourself. Don't listen to his family. I'm pretty sure he is painting you as the wicked one in the relationship. Please read a lot and learn more about abuse. The more you wake up, the more you will understand. Feel free to post a lot too. If you have a good friend, ask them if they will be the liason between you and your H. That way no family is involved and it will be less emotional turmoil for you. I think the most important thing about "waking up" is being validated in what you have experienced and you indeed are in an abusive relationship that could become dangerous. Never hesitate to call the police if you are scared. Big hugs lady!!!!
  9. I'm pretty sure Bink or Quaddie posted this quite a while back but maybe it might help someone - You are most likely a "mess" because you have been living with someone who is putting you down, criticizing you, condemning you, blowing up at you for no reason, manipulating you, financially abusing you (it's a classic sign when you lose jobs/can't work because of the abuse, btw)... alllllllllll sorts of things that are also not your fault. I get the sense that you're very accustomed to some sort of abusive dynamic (as was I) and that you really didn't develop a sense of what's ok vs. what's not. So this relationship seemed a lot better because it didn't have some of the negative features of the other one...... I totally "get" that. It's happened to me, too. Abusers do come in all shapes, sizes and tactics. Some even abuse with manipulations that are hidden within compliments. There's pretty much nothing we haven't heard about or experienced in here... Time for the "crumbs" analogy. Again I'm rushed for time so I might not do a proper job explaining, but this is that we're so accustomed to abuse and not being treated respectfully (proper treatment would be a whole cookie... it all comes down to cookies, doesn't it, lol) that when we do get little bits and pieces of niceness ("crumbs"), we feel so good about it. In my own relationship with my ex-h (I call him echthros), I finally realized that was not really "love" - it was gratitude. I felt grateful if somebody, anybody, wanted me. If he was nice in the most slightest of ways, I was over the moon. I didn't know any better. To me it sounds like when he's nice, you're getting "crumbs." It's not the whole cookie (because with abusers, it cannot be). And there's probably quite a bit of trauma bonding to the relationship.....the gratefulness and comfort when it feels okay again. Trying to pretend it's normal, like viewing life through half-closed eyes and a blurry lens. Of course, it's all 3,000 times harder right now because you have a new baby. So anyway... the bullet points I'm trying to mention here are crumbs, trauma bonding, abuse normalization, errrrrrrrr there was another, but I forget. When you're within an abusive relationship it might feel "normal" - in fact, especially if it's the kind of dynamic you're accustomed to. And some can be very intense and feel very "passionate" when they're in certain parts of the cycle. And there very well may be parts of the relationship that are good. But they are still generally extraordinarily destructive, in a lot of ways.
  10. Hi Curiouser! Welcome to Our place. I'm so sorry you found us but so glad you did!! This is a great group that is full of tons of knowledge and advice. I echo giving yourself time to educate yourself on abuse. Don't let anyone talk you into going back if you are not ready. Lots of members here have found that the abuse is worse when they return (if your H is abusive, which it sounds like he is). Read lots and posts lots!
  11. I had a consultation with Evans. I sent her information about my ex including a list of all the hot words and phrases at the back of the book that he had said to me. After ten minutes of speaking to her she suggested that I leave town and have him served while I was gone. I didn't think my ex was that bad but apparently he was worse than I thought. I didn't follow her suggestion but now that I look at things if he didn't care about making money so much money (if he was put in jail he would have lost his job as a teacher anywhere) he would have seriously hurt me for leaving him. It made him look bad of course. There were times I could tell in his eyes he seriously wanted to injure me. My point is, Evans knows there are few men that can be helped and they will need years of intense therapy to be helped. She said this to me. She also stated that my ex was not one of them that could be helped. Even with treatment you would spend the rest of your life policing behavior if you sought the treatment route with your SO.
  12. I would like to echo the others. The label really doesn't matter. My ex H could fit into so many labels it made my head spin. In the end all I knew was that I was glad to be divorced from him and I would never have to deal with him again.
  13. Congratulations! I always love hearing positive stories on this site. Sometimes when we get out things aren't great financially (they haven't been for me the past 2 1/2 years) but I agree, I'm so happy I'm no longer with exh.
  14. WB - be gentle with yourself. If you do decide to leave, it can take some time. It has to be your decision your way. Not what others say you should do or based on what others have done. When you are ready it will happen. This is definitely financial abuse. My exh financially abused me badly. It got to the point where he would pout for days if he knew I had extra money so I would give in and give it to him just to get him to quit pouting even though I needed it. He got me to the point where I would borrow money from my parents out of fear of asking him. I would actually have them drive 30 miles out of the way so he wouldn't notice the extra mileage on the odometer. You are going through some tough stuff but remember, we have been conditioned to act the way we do. The next step is to uncondition ourselves. I won't lie, it's hard. He will fight back but after being out for 2 1/2 years I can tell you it's worth it.
  15. :spudnikbackflip:Yay!!!!!!!! I'm so glad he is gone!