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Everything posted by MorningGlory

  1. Thank you for reminding me of why I left. You help me stay strong in me resolves. :-) It is amazing the more you give the more they feel entitled to bicker. My current nice husband expects me to cut his hair. I told him one day I will not be doing it he needs to go to the shop. So he tried to argue about the expense. I told him you're going to argue with your hairdresser about your hair. If I am your hairdresser you will not be telling me how to do my job! So he said I will wait for the next slot. I said NO. You're going in and you will quit harassing me over it. If I have a hard week and feel like I need to send you to a hairdresser once in a while you will not argue with my discretion. You will sort it. You asking me to do something that is not my expertise and once in a while if I say go you will go without giving me grief or guilt. So we both went to the hairdressers and he got his hair cut. I said to him, notice how you treated her you even said thank you. If I choose to cut your hair it is a favor and you will be grateful for that favor. If you feel you need your hair cut you can alway come here no one is tying your hands. His hair looks nice. Believe I might still send him again. Will be phasing myself into respect and not take on a thankless burden. Awe hey he is getting the picture. Narc man would find a new avenue. Good men learn respect. They learn from experiences. You still might have a situation but it creates fully different results. Narc men bang on and on. This is what women in healthy relationships do not get. They can have a situation and believe that if you stand you get different results. They can't see the different nature because they have a man with a good nature.
  2. ****Starshine big hugs***** You're doing awesome. Just think of how compassionate a woman you will be in your career. The drinking is not a joke. He does it for many reasons. He tasted the nectar of many things he loves and it's selfish. It's not a true love it fulfilling his own needs. Men drink so they can do conscious sins and hide behind the drink. Sleep with women, do things to drunk women without consent, instead of taking emotional responsibility in relationships blame a lack of love on partners. All of it is hiding and blame shift. When you go through this process of leaving him. You will see him try to gain area to blame shift. Diffuse as many of those as possible and alway confront him with self-responsibility. You can take anything he has ever offered you as gifts and experience. You have learned even from his worst times. The best times were a gift and even though those are few and far between you can still celebrate those gifts of time. In anger never destroy the good in your own soul. When you are no longer a couple. you can take those good times and still assemble yourself without him and know you had lots of good and love to offer. Why because you did put the best foot forward and sometimes things just don't work. If I am no longer with a man it does not mean I throw all that good away. I do move on and retain myself. You're at a place that feels lonely when you separate from a relationship. It's hard because to walk away from them all the reasons you're leaving your partner need to remain at the top of your head. Just know once it's over you can brush off those reasons and have the good that you are on the inside. Even if he quits drinking you know the work he would have to do? The honesty is not there with the reasons why he chooses to the drink. Nope, that man will have to be sober for years before he can even tackle the pieces to who he is. This is where you know you are smart. The amount of time you would have to sacrifice would be years for a not guaranteed result. You can meet someone else that is not there and have years of awesome fulfillment full of life because they are there and already arrived. You have not lost any of your life. You will have about 7 years of fullness rather than waiting for 7 years to be light years away from a partner just starting to see himself. You will be still very unfulfilled because your fullness he can ever reach. You will not have an intellectual partner. You will not have a friend. You will still be alone. It hurts to see the truth but this is because you have those healing qualities within you. You will be a great friend to other men and women waking up to the same experience.
  3. Haha, he is so desperate for attention. You know it was to make you think about him being with another woman. This is his insatiable need to brag. Makes him feel more like a catch. A good answer is to respond with a little condescending message: I am so happy for you. You're such a catch I bet she would be throwing herself at you in every angle. LOL It's kind of mocking his sexual exploits. It allows you a tad bit of upper hand and shows he is bragging about sex. Then is he starts to send the cry baby stuff? A good answer: What happened did you girly connection not cut it for you? Well, you never did listen to me, so I will say it again. I really have no desire to be with you. I do suggest a good psychologist for your pandering needs. Have a great day I know I am. :-) If he responds: (Cut and paste every time) Well, you never did listen to me, so I will say it again. I really have no desire to be with you. I do suggest a good psychologist for your pandering needs. Have a great day I know I am. :-) He gets nothing emotional from you. You have not taken any head space from yourself. You are not allowing him to use his misinformation's to put contradictory information in your head. You show strength and that makes him miss you more. The are attracted to strong women. The problem is they are a mess and try to control them. I have no problem with a strong guy that has his head on straight taking a lead. I do have problems with someone that has selfish, uncompassionate, and heartless motives trying to lead. Not going to happen I will lead myself and make my own decisions.
  4. Perfect shot himself in the foot. Love it!!!
  5. Abusers stick their toes over the line that they are not supposed to cross. There are many reasons they do this: If you explain yourself it establishes an area of credibility for him. He then only needs to create doubt in others. If he can control you area then honesty is difficult if you blatantly speak your mind the little boy can feel hurt and show pain. This gives them social high, others will validate them and you then look cruel. You have to stew in internal emotional pain without proper healing of getting it out. Talking about it deeply. If he can just go and be good you look like a lying smuck. He only needs to be fun and shine. If you want him then he can reject you and then he can put his little boy ego on and be smug. He can show attraction to other woman and care toward these single ladies. To try and make him look kind. Using his big boy ego. He can use this to try and keep you in a post-traumatic state so when he later gas lights you. You don't fight for something he wants.
  6. Plan your escape and don't look back. The soon the better and those ugly hurt feeling will get better.
  7. Yes, I understand what you're saying. Mine moved me around a lot. It was not good for me. I needed grounding and he refused to see what I needed true friends. You can't get those relocating every few years. They have to stay topical. I could not figure out why he did this for the longest time. I asked him once and he gave a creepy almost truthful answer. Because people believe what you tell them. So I think once the reality started to set in that he was faking it till he made it. He would need to move on. It was making me really sick. I asked him to size down for a few years and just let be together and not work so hard. He told me he wants the door. (meaning fancy house) It's really frustrating because he had done these things. He has said them. He has meant it. If I tell anyone he has he denies it and holds me accountable for being cold. So it like he only confessed enough to set the record straight but to not have a transparent relationship with mutual respect. This puzzled me for years then I realized he had cheaters in his family. That while I was trusting and could not prove much that his cold disrespect was a learned behavior. So he might have learned this form of coldness and thought this is the way you keep your life on track. I believe he has secrets that will go to his grave. He does things that make me try to burn with anger and fury on the inside. It's like you want to just drop it all to feel peace. When you briefly let go you go along with it and for a short time actually, believe you have peace because you're not in turmoil. Really it's lost in his identity and you feel like you have a mate but it not that either, it's you coping. I believe that this is the mechanism that has kept me, hostage, all these years. His way to keep me in control and what has been my Stockholm Syndrom Achilles heel. The internal conflict he creates will never be resolved because of it's his own self creation. He does not even know what it is? He does know what he is but holds out and keeps it all locked away. There is an area of their heart that you can't touch. It's a black pandora's box! Trust me no one will ever believe you, Describe the fury you feel and it explains nothing of what you have actually had to live with. It like the corporate triad of miscommunications. How all the departments get into a lock down. They all sound like someone else is responsible and you run to that department for fixing. Then they listen and redirect you into the very same situation. Never fixes and just make you upset when another problem occurs and you have no voice, no feelings, no integrity, no power, and are responsible for results.
  8. They are very tapped into the way people view them. The car grill even need to be bigger then everyone elses car. The watch has to be new and outrageous. I did love when I was talking to my son on Skype and my EX bolts into his room. He announce that he has to get off the computer and help him. His Bar-Be-que. Rolled down the hill in his back yard because of a brisk wind. Then ask my son what he is doing? He responds talking to mom! :-) So let get this straight: Idiot did not set the foot break on monster new shinny grill. Its too big even the GODS CAN NOT MOVE iT!!! LOL It rolls down hill and tips. This is such a huge job requires my son to stop what he is doing to fix it. Because son is the bigger MAN! He is such a man he can't haul his own grill up a hill even with wheels. :-) Lets look at the time? Yep right when all the neighbors are diving home so they can hear him laughing overly loud and instructing son. One of life's most important skills is to learn how teach your son to haul the grill up the hill because all grill roll down hill unless your in heaven. When using a grill it's very important to take it to the tallest point of your property so that you can show the neighbors your smoke is not a fire. Your new wife is so selfish she will not help you haul that grill up the hill but points it out and has known about it all day. :-) JOY your new grill is now dented because of nature time to buy a new one because gosh it just sooo sad! :-( Poor little boy!!! Son pick up grill and returns to mom because he is efficient and well loves mom! <3 God Bless a mother that waits... AHhhh!!! Dealing with gas-lighting can have it wonderful moments. CHERISH THEM!!!
  9. I wrote this agreement and it was part of a marriage class we took together in church. Not abuse focused but possessive life creating. I choose to keep this document that has his signature on it. Quiet enjoy reading it. I particularly love how I highlight aspects of care. As if I held his hand and stroked his ego to treat me like the loved cat sitting next to him. It was exactly what you said. In our hall and look great. Even had official document etching. visitors we are trying this hard we covered these topics. "Barf" still could not figure out how to love me. As if not treating some as a burden is difficult. I actually find it very hard to treat people that way. This is the very mystery. Even when people are jerks I still find it hard to not be respectful. I guess these people really do enjoy what they do. When you try to stick it to people it take so much hate and is suck hard work. I pretty sure there are no filing cabinets in my brain that enjoys taking those type of notes. What people assume that are not fully professionals is that you can give them the image and create the magic they always wanted in life and have birds chirping and harmony. This is a lie. You end up many more years emotionally bankrupt with a man unwilling to love the true you. They love their dream. They miss the you have to be honest in order to heal phase. That might requite a few harsh words and straight out resistance. I do not look pretty in this phase. A band-aide only provides time not healing. AWESOME!!!! It's the Johnny Appleseed that keeps on giving. My friends in High school made up a joke. It was the Name Johnny Appleseed. It meant nothing. Not even a statement it was just a name. So the few people that know loved it. Would laugh and pretend they understood the joke and nostalgia of Johnny Appleseed. People would be so frustrated some even pretend to know and made up a theory to hold as to what it was. They even started claiming to be experts on what Johnny Appleseed was? Five years later the cat came out of the bag it was a measure to create interest like quiz did in the town around the 1800's Johnny Appleseed did not catch on like quiz did. You could say it died in it tracks. LOL
  10. Seven years out and I can say they do not change. They work really hard to try and set up scenarios where you have to try and exalt them from their new platforms. They might have a more pliable source and try to make you feel guilt for not being with them or even try and turn your external support to he is a great guy type of cult like following. I always say he had no problem taking people that treated me bad to dinner and buying them a drink to celebrate himself. You are at the other end of that fun sarcastic little boy. It is not humour but a doubled edge steamy poop sword of entitlement. They have no guilt for burying you emotionally and financially. Remeber: You can have a relationship with them but it might not be emotionally rewarding. They have no concern with bringing out the best in you. The mutual two side values of a true relationship is usually absent. Only people that get to know you can validate you. (They have spent their entire life teaching you who they are.) Relationships that keep you in defensive stance become offensive. Usually they befriend you to show you a carrot of what they wanted out of life. Which usually has nothing to do with the desires of your life goals. My EX has spent a majority perfecting all the things I loved and wanted in my relationship. Ones he made my life hell over. Ones he refused to do with out a fight. In the US those were things I wanted. Living in AU well it's different. So he loves to post all the things I love with her and pretends I am jealous. In the US plenty of places to go out dancing. In the outskirts of AU well unless you want to dance with the golden oldies or topped up teens. Just not the same adventure. So it not on the same list from when we were married? Yah, now I am over it. So does it mean I gave up my goals or rusted away my ability's. No I changed my place and sorry hiking and beach walks are my new dancing. I will not forget picking up my child for my parental visit. He hit the garage door. (funny most people use the front door) YEP NO DRAMA THERE!!! My son walked out and his dad took the hand of his EX finance and they started dancing and he was twirling her. I laughed so freaking hard. Then she went to shake my hand. So I gave her the dreaded Indian knuckle squeeze. She had to take it with out screaming. No she would not show drama!!! LOL
  11. Hangin On this is the first I have heard that you divorced him. I am a christian woman and I had to divorce my Narcissistic EX. While it was a burn into my testimony of what I was trying to assemble for my life. My relationship with God and my continued effort to not let the Narcissistic wound take hold was my saving grace. I have improved greatly and while I can still feel the effects of the PTSD that took me 7 years to heal from. I keep sending reassuring statements about how lingering memories does not mean I am not healed from past events. I hit a block wall in my faith because my EX was etched into my baptism. I redid my baptism so I could have a point in time that he could not use gas-lighting to affect my faith testimony. This was pivotal in my healing. It was like my life was able to be mine personally with out him connected to my inner core. I am doing so much better. I can hear the importance of being a kind forgiving person in your responses. I am glad to also hear the honesty and truth that you are claiming buy owning what occurred. Healing has been an amazing experience for me. Going to the groceries store or taking care of my life piece by piece felt like the first time I had lived. Encountering Narcissist in this world and know I could have a different response because I am whole. They truly do try to damage your inner core. It is how the see themselves and how they see you. There is a lesson that these people missed and why they function and can communicate. They effects to create that warmth and enduring love is a goal not a known. It's funny I use to have deep wrinkle starting to form in the middle of my forehead. Since I have left the Narcissist these wrinkles have dissipated. The daily frustration was even changing the way my face looked. Feel beautiful and thank you for catching us up. Please check in and help others escape these pains. I have learned how loving my god is? I too can make mistakes. My mistake was not understanding how important marring a spouse that had warm empathy in his nature. I really needed that warmth and because of what happened to my family I did not know what it looked like. I could give it but could not recognise this quality in people till after I learned of the coldness I lived with. I needed to stay in one place not move around. I needed to build and surround myself with like minded people not seek attention. It took leaving to heal. So I am grateful that while I make mistakes I can learn form them and know how beautiful I really am and can be. I am trying to find my new sense of shiny and my new ways of adding the rest will assemble itself. I always say a truly abused women knows why you can not stay. They grasp it even when it goes against the very things they believe in. Why I like to help others find their way but each woman does have to carry her own cross. I knew one woman and tried to help her. Gave her all the books to read and even considerate acceptance and support. She kept falling into to wanting people to do it for her mindset. Then she would not take the knowledge of the experts in the books and psychologist. She took it in her own hands and only listened to her family. Why she loved her family they were not the experts and gave her very lineal advice. She was functioning to feel loved and did some bad mistakes that gave her narc a foot hold. Not just once but many times. Why she did learn more how to not be taken advantage of she did get stuck in the revenge trap. This affected her relationship with her kids. They wanted a mother that loved them. A soft place to land and ended up with a mother angry at them for going along with an occasional gas light. He transferred that pain successfully to his children. I tried and she is happier but she too is also responsible to minimise damage on her children. She did not claim the abuse only showed anger and denied therapy. The example I give is one that claims the PTSD and one that receives advice and healing from professionals. I have the love of my child. I care about my child's well being and have his love. It's a trick getting out but you also have to grow up. This lady missed the grow up phase. It's is hard to grow when someone consistently tears you down. You sound happy and healthy. You have done well. This is why you find a lot of older single people. It just takes longer to know people we understand so much more. :-)
  12. Good News! Sounds like the marriage counselling helped.
  13. They do not change if the grass appears greener on the other side it's only because of the general nature where people cover that stuff up. These men exclaim with their mouths lovely statements of principles. Yet show the very things with cruel intentions hidden. They will always try to make you feel and look mentally unstable. There is nothing you can do! It took me a while to realised that that feeling I placed was my hope for my life. He did not care that I had good memories. He cared about his sarcastic humour that belittled me to be the tuff guy and get a laugh. He did not know me and did not care to hear my soul and words in my heart. He had the list of do's and don't and never saw a person. He used that list to justify himself. If your lucky you will not be in contact to see his spots. I was on the other side of the world and mine still did some horrible things. So distance has nothing to do with the reach of a true narcissist. You have done the right thing. The best thing you can do is to believe your experiences. Trust yourself and know you did go through something cold. Hold to your standards of needing love and fair treatment. There is a reason we stayed in that treatment so long? Some things I did like about him. It was just those overstepping quality's that made my life so difficult. This was not me it was him. Sounds like your daughter just wants you to deal with it and accept it. Most kids just want a parent that loves them and these emotional disasters really take a toll on that connection and parental love. Sad for Arizona have family there. The state lost a narc and gained one. Kind of like the Twilight Zone. They are all waiting at the edge of the town. Two lines at both sides. Their are two people one a little boy named "poor me" The other a full grown man called "Smuck". They have to please Poor Me or Smuck to get let in. Then on the side at the door is "Pathetic". He has sweat pants on and eats like a truck driver. When Pathetic has had enough then he lets one boy/man out and the new town boy/man subject can come in. Pretty sure its the Twilight Zone that never made it to the big screen. They all got in a fight as to who was the better actor at the preview. They could not understand they were all good actors people were just sick of seeing them. Not one of them was a box office smash and all together was even worse than the Three Stooger's. This is what happens when I write to earlier in the mornings! :-)
  14. You have done well. You know what helps is an undefeated perspective. You have been through a lot. Take a piece of paper and write different correct strong perspective to hold. Keep it with you and answer people through this strong kind strength. Every time someone reports him even when he bails himself out it is recorded. You are not is control of the way this things shapes itself. It is it's own moving tangible thing. What you are in control of is you and If you accept you're in control then no way would you accept an adult seeking nude pictures of your daughter. People try to get nude pictures to guilt vulnerable teens into actions they DO NOT want to do. If it was your child would you care about how popular he was and how many people liked him? I am grateful for people that care about me and my mental well being. I am glad that if it ever happens again I did my part to bring his actions to light. If it does not happen again it will be because he learned people have had enough. That too is a positive response from me bring things into the light. I wish more women felt they could open up about things that have Inappropriately occurred to them and just get help? Do you feel like you let people open up and heal or do you form judgments? (Sorry, that was not a question you know who you are) kind, gentle, strength! You never have to worry about what someone thinks. You are in another category. Parents teach teens to think of others to try and get them to be courteous and considerate. You will still possess these qualities. Now that someone has overstepped your boundaries you have a socially wider role to play. "You see these things never take your voice these things give you one". I firmly believe this and you can quote that comment. You have been given a deeper understanding of life that the average teen will not possess. All and all it might make you a parent that has deeper talks with your child and listens to them. By no means will you not let your own children not live life because someone hurt you. So know how amazing you are. You have a very deep and immense ability to love and be healed. If others do not grasp it because they only need to get up and smile for the camera. Say please and thank you. You have a deeper understanding of this world and they will figure it out. It just might take life. :-) Wishing you victory on your trial. Just know that no matter what even if you are disappointed at some of the outcome. You did do the right thing! You can hold it in your heart. The fact that everyone is forgetting things is a good sign. You are learning something important. Your observations are putting it together. If you knew how little people think about you, would never fear what they think again. People are thinking of themselves. People are very self-centred!!! You have a lot more room to finagle and move around than you believe. You even have room to make a few mistakes. Perspective is not locked in... It changes... Facts, responses, outcomes, truths, character and even people have to acknowledge that they themselves are responsible for their reactions and own human nature. This too can change any outcome. Please understand that things might feel like they are this way but that is how it feels at the time. You might not see all of the elements that are in your favour. You will, however, feel strongly when you come across something that feels like it is not in your arena. Feelings are barometers use my above list even make your own. You talk to people through your strong personal insight. They will learn that you're smart. You will find others are kind of quite. The reason is they just want to have some fun smile in pictures and laugh at good things. People build in these areas. It's not your fault and as you move forward, You will see you have people to talk with. Just go slow finding those individuals. It's worth waiting a year for a good friend rather than healing from the aftermath of trying to relate to a shallow person you would like as your friend. Good friends take time and I will tell you a secret. Lots of adults get so busy in their jobs they will lose touch with many after high school. Just do your phases well. In twenty years you can have pictures of your kids. The places you have gone. Your interest and talents. Please explore picking up talents. You said you were in the band. You know to go after it and try out for performances. It will be like the biggest middle finger to that idiot teacher. He has made his career hard and killed working with children in a big way. The advantage to having a voice is good. When you work with children your integrity will hold faithful and be real and solid. You see the way it works is you can work with kids. It is a privilege. Unless you abuse your privileges and that gets yanked from you. You will function in a way that idol reports can't hurt you nor tamper with your life anymore. The time will pass all it will be is a bad thing. This has no hold on your life and it will not have the same weight you might feel it has today. It dissolves in time like an Alka-Seltzer in a glass. The world absorbs it. Sending you sunshine!
  15. Welcome so glad you are here. He manipulated you and when you grow up you have a responsibility to set boundaries with fragile teens. He understands what he is doing.
  16. They main reason most people do not leave is because they are holding out for a bigger picture. They do not want to support themselves. They do not want to break up the photo album. They are in denial as to how it affects them? His humour is off and he likes to overstep the grey lines. What does he do other than verbal? His humour actually like to throw you around and make you look insensitive and it is him. Would he really set the cat to blazes? This is what you have to determine. Whats real and whats not? How long does he keep you out of the touch of society to be a funny boy? Sounds like everyone stopped laughing years ago?
  17. This is not the thing that counselling can fix but distance works wonders. Sometimes counselling helps you see that you are a better stronger woman that you have been lead to believe. That you can accept the things you can not change and make good healthy decisions for yourself. Why do most people believe counselling fixes things. No, it helps people see truths and live full healthy lives. A marriage takes submission on both sides. You are married to someone that will not submit and blames you if he does. He has no feelings for any of the life's events that matter in your life. A friend would want to help you be able to say goodbye. He cares about you slobbering on his nob, caring for his children and a dinner in his belly. I kind of made it simple to remove control issues with giving head. I was carted up to the mountains and forced to do so or be raped. For me, I just tell my partner that it's not something I consider intercourse. It has to do with my vagina and I also need to orgasm. Giving head does nothing for me and I do not accept that type of treatment. Hope what I wrote gives bits of help but my feeling are it will just make him mad. Let see everything makes him mad. Your dad dying makes him mad. You having personal space makes him mad. You wanting to have some support with the children makes him mad. He is so predictable? I have a feeling that marriage support will just make him mad that he has to spend money to make you compliant? So therapy just does not go after fixing things. Sometimes it brings it right to the head. Like a big old zit!!!
  18. How nice!
  19. We all get tickets and cars break down. He is giving you guilt and blaming you for his anger. He is even holding you responsible for his mental state. Not cool at all! Your roommate said that because he unloaded on him too! He is trying to problem solve it by responding to how he received information. Your abuse blames you for his mental state so he asks you to keep it cool. This is a clue to how he talks behind your back? Do not participate in his madness. He will try to blow it out of proportion so he can rant and blame you more. Hold yourself and your ground.
  20. Wow- you have a whole mesh bag of disrespect going on. He is a right fighter and tries to put you in the wrong so he can win. Look the sex thing I do not believe anyone should have sex when they are upset and fighting. Sex is an intimate thing that makes you vulnerable and you should have a mutual respect of that vulnerability. So you just need to clear the air first. Him treating to just get it somewhere else that was a manipulation. Of course, fights affect the sex life. You have the right to love your family without him being jealous or mocking you. He is not two years old! You have to acknowledge where you are at and if sex has been interrupted because of disrespect. That is actually a normal thing that happens in most marriages. Some really bad marriages have been held together because of sex. I do not think you want just an apology. I think you want understanding and consideration. I think you want him to start to see the person in front of him. I not sure that if he just apologised it would make it better. Look the whole nagging through the cell phone needs to quite. In fact the next time you are at the emergency. Leave it at home! He can show up and get his information when you do. He wants to be the first to know before your family. That is something you might have to wrestle with. Well if he is slow in response he might have to get over it. Hope this helps. I think you need pre-marital counselling for the respect issues. If that does not work then know you have big decisions to make and those change your life. If you're dealing with a narc all the pre-martial counselling will just make a bigger smuck!
  21. OMG institutionalised. Boy, can he over react! Yes a text is appropriate because he stood you up for dinner without explanation. If anyone says anything to you, let them know when you stand someone up and then blow it up in your face a text is an appropriate way to break up. Sorry but the drama is not attractive and you need stability. You are allowed to break up with anyone you want to. If it's not right then it will not work. You do not have to go into details. My EX-used the details to try and hurt me worse than trying to understand how he hurt me. I would say you need to respect and trust me. I said it was over and you still do not hear respect or trust me. Let me say it again IT'S OVER. Now respect how I feel. The lead foot of I'm done with you!
  22. You can't fix stupid. Who cares about his keys. They also sometimes grow a beard and ask for lots of attention. The less contact the better. If he is lying and gaslighting others. It keeps you out of the mix. It is important to keep your distance so he can not make a bigger mess of your life. They scheme and if your alway seen at the center of contact they can try and make the stuff look as if your the one doing it when your not. Block him!
  23. Spartin life coach is my friend on Facebook. Woop Woop he rocks!!!
  24. I always found it amazing after the governor released his toxic pain on me how good he felt. I believe he felt so good I even looked beautiful for a brief moment. How he treated me, taught me that this was not love? So I did learn I believe I finally accepted him for who he was. In fact told him I release you. They say if you love something and let it go completely go it will show you truly where the heart goes. He ran to the phone and called his EX. Then he tried to get back with me and I asked him a simple question. Even the simplest mind could answer it? I asked why do you love me? He answered me in the third person. Said you were the wife of my youth. In past tense. I said no that what you tell people when they ask you how you feel about me. Tell me why you love me? He could not give me one direct reason why he loved me. No substance. You see even narcs hit a point where they are just done with you. They string you along to give answers to make them look good. To try and show people they are trying and you can fake that kind of hate. We know that they are just slapping us in the face to hurt us deeper. To make more hurt and to stick the nail in our hearts deeper. Their wounds can be trusted. Their love inflicts pain. Their truth does not clear any hurt it makes way for them to be free and absolved. Once you know in your head you can help your heart and body understand. It does not take long then you realise you can live separately from your soul and your body pays for emotional pain. The rest of you will forgive yourself for what your mind already knows. Tell yourself you love yourself and be your own best friend. Never share that space again with an untrustworthy person.
  25. The best advice I can give you. Even if you have one or two situations that make you feel like they remind you of your EX. Do not relate them to your EX's relationship. Know that that was a situation that happened with the narc. Go after teaching and communication with your new partner. All abuse survivors have one or two areas that are tricky that trigger memories. Keep telling your self-different circus different monkeys. Believe in the mind being able to have plasticity. Your new partner should be able to learn. Look for the growing in love part. You now know what to look for and your odds of finding it are better. You might be a tad bit more critical/choosy. If your new partner does not have the general goodness part then It should wake you up sooner. The reason for this is that why you learned from pain. You do not make people pay for your pain. I was more concerned with my new partner allowing me to handle issues that I was working out still. Just because I am no contact does not mean that I am no contact with children we share, some of our mutual friends, contacts we shared. ECT... Life goes on and I found someone that understood situations would still happen. We still experience things that were coming from the other direction. If my EX-sent a bomb my way that I was not to be blamed or hurt any further. I needed to try and handle it myself. It's not my partner fault. It affects both of us but he does not have to be anyone different to counter my EX. He is allowed his own voice but with understanding to not jump in and lash out. I practised self-perseverance and protection while clearly stating where the gaslighting was coming from. This part is hard to deal with. The only reason my current spouse gets it is because he has a family member that is like that. That what it took for me finding someone that relate to me. I would never be needing that much of an understanding partner if I did not have the narc abuse. Somehow it is a situation that changes your life. There are wonderful sharp people that if they know you are a narc survivor would just not take on the headache. I kind of don't blame them either? So you find a person that will love you with what you have and what you can build. My narc abuse caused a lot of issues. What it did not do is succeed in sinking me. With the right person, you will be able to open up those areas slowly piece by piece. When you see that they still love you. You will then know what you did not feel before. LOVE!!!!