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Everything posted by MorningGlory

  1. Good News! Sounds like the marriage counselling helped.
  2. They do not change if the grass appears greener on the other side it's only because of the general nature where people cover that stuff up. These men exclaim with their mouths lovely statements of principles. Yet show the very things with cruel intentions hidden. They will always try to make you feel and look mentally unstable. There is nothing you can do! It took me a while to realised that that feeling I placed was my hope for my life. He did not care that I had good memories. He cared about his sarcastic humour that belittled me to be the tuff guy and get a laugh. He did not know me and did not care to hear my soul and words in my heart. He had the list of do's and don't and never saw a person. He used that list to justify himself. If your lucky you will not be in contact to see his spots. I was on the other side of the world and mine still did some horrible things. So distance has nothing to do with the reach of a true narcissist. You have done the right thing. The best thing you can do is to believe your experiences. Trust yourself and know you did go through something cold. Hold to your standards of needing love and fair treatment. There is a reason we stayed in that treatment so long? Some things I did like about him. It was just those overstepping quality's that made my life so difficult. This was not me it was him. Sounds like your daughter just wants you to deal with it and accept it. Most kids just want a parent that loves them and these emotional disasters really take a toll on that connection and parental love. Sad for Arizona have family there. The state lost a narc and gained one. Kind of like the Twilight Zone. They are all waiting at the edge of the town. Two lines at both sides. Their are two people one a little boy named "poor me" The other a full grown man called "Smuck". They have to please Poor Me or Smuck to get let in. Then on the side at the door is "Pathetic". He has sweat pants on and eats like a truck driver. When Pathetic has had enough then he lets one boy/man out and the new town boy/man subject can come in. Pretty sure its the Twilight Zone that never made it to the big screen. They all got in a fight as to who was the better actor at the preview. They could not understand they were all good actors people were just sick of seeing them. Not one of them was a box office smash and all together was even worse than the Three Stooger's. This is what happens when I write to earlier in the mornings! :-)
  3. You have done well. You know what helps is an undefeated perspective. You have been through a lot. Take a piece of paper and write different correct strong perspective to hold. Keep it with you and answer people through this strong kind strength. Every time someone reports him even when he bails himself out it is recorded. You are not is control of the way this things shapes itself. It is it's own moving tangible thing. What you are in control of is you and If you accept you're in control then no way would you accept an adult seeking nude pictures of your daughter. People try to get nude pictures to guilt vulnerable teens into actions they DO NOT want to do. If it was your child would you care about how popular he was and how many people liked him? I am grateful for people that care about me and my mental well being. I am glad that if it ever happens again I did my part to bring his actions to light. If it does not happen again it will be because he learned people have had enough. That too is a positive response from me bring things into the light. I wish more women felt they could open up about things that have Inappropriately occurred to them and just get help? Do you feel like you let people open up and heal or do you form judgments? (Sorry, that was not a question you know who you are) kind, gentle, strength! You never have to worry about what someone thinks. You are in another category. Parents teach teens to think of others to try and get them to be courteous and considerate. You will still possess these qualities. Now that someone has overstepped your boundaries you have a socially wider role to play. "You see these things never take your voice these things give you one". I firmly believe this and you can quote that comment. You have been given a deeper understanding of life that the average teen will not possess. All and all it might make you a parent that has deeper talks with your child and listens to them. By no means will you not let your own children not live life because someone hurt you. So know how amazing you are. You have a very deep and immense ability to love and be healed. If others do not grasp it because they only need to get up and smile for the camera. Say please and thank you. You have a deeper understanding of this world and they will figure it out. It just might take life. :-) Wishing you victory on your trial. Just know that no matter what even if you are disappointed at some of the outcome. You did do the right thing! You can hold it in your heart. The fact that everyone is forgetting things is a good sign. You are learning something important. Your observations are putting it together. If you knew how little people think about you, would never fear what they think again. People are thinking of themselves. People are very self-centered!!! You have a lot more room to finagle and move around than you believe. You even have room to make a few mistakes. Perspective is not locked in... It changes... Facts, responses, outcomes, truths, character and even people have to acknowledge that they themselves are responsible for their reactions and own human nature. This too can change any outcome. Please understand that things might feel like they are this way but that is how it feels at the time. You might not see all of the elements that are in your favor. You will, however, feel strongly when you come across something that feels like it is not in your arena. Feelings at barometers use my above list even make your own. You talk to people through your strong personal insight. They will learn that you're smart. You will find others are kind of quite. The reason is they just want to have some fun smile in pictures and laugh at good things. People build in these areas. It's not your fault and as you move forward, You will see you have people to talk with. Just go slow finding those individuals. It's worth waiting a year for a good friend rather than healing from the aftermath of trying to relate to a shallow person you would like as your friend. Good friends take time and I will tell you a secret. Lots of adults get so busy in their jobs they will lose touch with many after high school. Just do your phases well. In twenty years you can have pictures of your kids. The places you have gone. Your interest and talents. Please explore picking up talents. You said you were in the band. You know to go after it and try out for performances. It will be like the biggest middle finger to that idiot teacher. He has made his career hard and killed working with children in a big way. The advantage to having a voice is good. When you work with children your integrity will hold faithful and be real and solid. You see the way it works is you can work with kids. It is a privilege. Unless you abuse your priveledges and that gets yanked from you. You will function in a way that idol reports can't hurt you nor tamper with your life anymore. The time will pass all it will be is a bad thing. This has no hold on your life and it will not have the same weight you might feel it has today. It dissolves in time like an Alka-Seltzer in a glass. The world absorbs it. Sending you sunshine!
  4. Welcome so glad you are here. He manipulated you and when you grow up you have a responsibility to set boundaries with fragile teens. He understands what he is doing.
  5. They main reason most people do not leave is because they are holding out for a bigger picture. They do not want to support themselves. They do not want to break up the photo album. They are in denial as to how it affects them? His humour is off and he likes to overstep the grey lines. What does he do other than verbal? His humour actually like to throw you around and make you look insensitive and it is him. Would he really set the cat to blazes? This is what you have to determine. Whats real and whats not? How long does he keep you out of the touch of society to be a funny boy? Sounds like everyone stopped laughing years ago?
  6. This is not the thing that counselling can fix but distance works wonders. Sometimes counselling helps you see that you are a better stronger woman that you have been lead to believe. That you can accept the things you can not change and make good healthy decisions for yourself. Why do most people believe counselling fixes things. No, it helps people see truths and live full healthy lives. A marriage takes submission on both sides. You are married to someone that will not submit and blames you if he does. He has no feelings for any of the life's events that matter in your life. A friend would want to help you be able to say goodbye. He cares about you slobbering on his nob, caring for his children and a dinner in his belly. I kind of made it simple to remove control issues with giving head. I was carted up to the mountains and forced to do so or be raped. For me, I just tell my partner that it's not something I consider intercourse. It has to do with my vagina and I also need to orgasm. Giving head does nothing for me and I do not accept that type of treatment. Hope what I wrote gives bits of help but my feeling are it will just make him mad. Let see everything makes him mad. Your dad dying makes him mad. You having personal space makes him mad. You wanting to have some support with the children makes him mad. He is so predictable? I have a feeling that marriage support will just make him mad that he has to spend money to make you compliant? So therapy just does not go after fixing things. Sometimes it brings it right to the head. Like a big old zit!!!
  7. How nice!
  8. We all get tickets and cars break down. He is giving you guilt and blaming you for his anger. He is even holding you responsible for his mental state. Not cool at all! Your roommate said that because he unloaded on him too! He is trying to problem solve it by responding to how he received information. Your abuse blames you for his mental state so he asks you to keep it cool. This is a clue to how he talks behind your back? Do not participate in his madness. He will try to blow it out of proportion so he can rant and blame you more. Hold yourself and your ground.
  9. Wow- you have a whole mesh bag of disrespect going on. He is a right fighter and tries to put you in the wrong so he can win. Look the sex thing I do not believe anyone should have sex when they are upset and fighting. Sex is an intimate thing that makes you vulnerable and you should have a mutual respect of that vulnerability. So you just need to clear the air first. Him treating to just get it somewhere else that was a manipulation. Of course, fights affect the sex life. You have the right to love your family without him being jealous or mocking you. He is not two years old! You have to acknowledge where you are at and if sex has been interrupted because of disrespect. That is actually a normal thing that happens in most marriages. Some really bad marriages have been held together because of sex. I do not think you want just an apology. I think you want understanding and consideration. I think you want him to start to see the person in front of him. I not sure that if he just apologised it would make it better. Look the whole nagging through the cell phone needs to quite. In fact the next time you are at the emergency. Leave it at home! He can show up and get his information when you do. He wants to be the first to know before your family. That is something you might have to wrestle with. Well if he is slow in response he might have to get over it. Hope this helps. I think you need pre-marital counselling for the respect issues. If that does not work then know you have big decisions to make and those change your life. If you're dealing with a narc all the pre-martial counselling will just make a bigger smuck!
  10. OMG institutionalised. Boy, can he over react! Yes a text is appropriate because he stood you up for dinner without explanation. If anyone says anything to you, let them know when you stand someone up and then blow it up in your face a text is an appropriate way to break up. Sorry but the drama is not attractive and you need stability. You are allowed to break up with anyone you want to. If it's not right then it will not work. You do not have to go into details. My EX-used the details to try and hurt me worse than trying to understand how he hurt me. I would say you need to respect and trust me. I said it was over and you still do not hear respect or trust me. Let me say it again IT'S OVER. Now respect how I feel. The lead foot of I'm done with you!
  11. You can't fix stupid. Who cares about his keys. They also sometimes grow a beard and ask for lots of attention. The less contact the better. If he is lying and gaslighting others. It keeps you out of the mix. It is important to keep your distance so he can not make a bigger mess of your life. They scheme and if your alway seen at the center of contact they can try and make the stuff look as if your the one doing it when your not. Block him!
  12. Spartin life coach is my friend on Facebook. Woop Woop he rocks!!!
  13. I always found it amazing after the governor released his toxic pain on me how good he felt. I believe he felt so good I even looked beautiful for a brief moment. How he treated me, taught me that this was not love? So I did learn I believe I finally accepted him for who he was. In fact told him I release you. They say if you love something and let it go completely go it will show you truly where the heart goes. He ran to the phone and called his EX. Then he tried to get back with me and I asked him a simple question. Even the simplest mind could answer it? I asked why do you love me? He answered me in the third person. Said you were the wife of my youth. In past tense. I said no that what you tell people when they ask you how you feel about me. Tell me why you love me? He could not give me one direct reason why he loved me. No substance. You see even narcs hit a point where they are just done with you. They string you along to give answers to make them look good. To try and show people they are trying and you can fake that kind of hate. We know that they are just slapping us in the face to hurt us deeper. To make more hurt and to stick the nail in our hearts deeper. Their wounds can be trusted. Their love inflicts pain. Their truth does not clear any hurt it makes way for them to be free and absolved. Once you know in your head you can help your heart and body understand. It does not take long then you realise you can live separately from your soul and your body pays for emotional pain. The rest of you will forgive yourself for what your mind already knows. Tell yourself you love yourself and be your own best friend. Never share that space again with an untrustworthy person.
  14. The best advice I can give you. Even if you have one or two situations that make you feel like they remind you of your EX. Do not relate them to your EX's relationship. Know that that was a situation that happened with the narc. Go after teaching and communication with your new partner. All abuse survivors have one or two areas that are tricky that trigger memories. Keep telling your self-different circus different monkeys. Believe in the mind being able to have plasticity. Your new partner should be able to learn. Look for the growing in love part. You now know what to look for and your odds of finding it are better. You might be a tad bit more critical/choosy. If your new partner does not have the general goodness part then It should wake you up sooner. The reason for this is that why you learned from pain. You do not make people pay for your pain. I was more concerned with my new partner allowing me to handle issues that I was working out still. Just because I am no contact does not mean that I am no contact with children we share, some of our mutual friends, contacts we shared. ECT... Life goes on and I found someone that understood situations would still happen. We still experience things that were coming from the other direction. If my EX-sent a bomb my way that I was not to be blamed or hurt any further. I needed to try and handle it myself. It's not my partner fault. It affects both of us but he does not have to be anyone different to counter my EX. He is allowed his own voice but with understanding to not jump in and lash out. I practised self-perseverance and protection while clearly stating where the gaslighting was coming from. This part is hard to deal with. The only reason my current spouse gets it is because he has a family member that is like that. That what it took for me finding someone that relate to me. I would never be needing that much of an understanding partner if I did not have the narc abuse. Somehow it is a situation that changes your life. There are wonderful sharp people that if they know you are a narc survivor would just not take on the headache. I kind of don't blame them either? So you find a person that will love you with what you have and what you can build. My narc abuse caused a lot of issues. What it did not do is succeed in sinking me. With the right person, you will be able to open up those areas slowly piece by piece. When you see that they still love you. You will then know what you did not feel before. LOVE!!!!
  15. LMAO The dumb things they do!!! It's okay for them to be a screw up but if we attempt to put things together we get the shaft. You think they would save money and hire someone to do it right. O YAH PRIDE!!! LOL
  16. Your doing great... Being confused about what is normal sounds familiar. It is the different relationships that will put you closer to knowing who you are and how you want to spend the rest of your days. I find it is a balance of knowing yourself and knowing your partner. I look at like two 100% full adults coming together. You do not always have things that sinc up but it is the person that is willing to meet you at points to have a sense of forward moving unity. In time you start to learn who each other are and moving together gets easier not harder. If you want a traditional relationship and your partner wants a modern one. The odds of meeting up will be difficult. You will always be moving away from each other. So knowing what you want is part of the success of finding it. If you want the closeness of little old couples that are like one in kinder spirits. Then you desire to fly to city's and open businesses all over then you are fighting your wants. Most people that want the kindle spirit couples find a spot and stay and pull in community around them. If your the pioneer that wants to fly around and see new things. That is more of a modern relationship and those have more freedoms socially. You have to be very secure with each other. When you see a women like the one you described earlier. She was settled. She sound like she might know if she is more modern or traditional. This is where you have to fall in love with someone that can complement you and have a area of similar growth. I have had anxiety and PTSD. I found that the more I take on to grow with out abuse around me the more that anxiety goes away. It has something to do with growing into my life. I am a more delicate person after the abuse and because of that need a person that can allow me to just be. People that coach others are the opposite of what I need to be healed and feel loved. Yet I do like movement in life. So once you learn your own self you can find these niches. It's never perfect because you are two different people but it should be a experience where you both are trying to help each other feel love. When it opens up in your lap you will find a friend and that will be the person you want to spend you time with. The wounds will be trusted that is all I can say.
  17. This is abuse you can not prove. The hard part about dysfunctional family's. They want to kids to love them yet they are a complete contradiction to educing a loving caring environment. I try to look at it more of a race. Your the aware person so you feel the burden of care. What I did was research the age of my child and what they needed according to psychology at that age to thrive. That was the only thing I focused on giving my child those quality's of what he needed at the right times. I was trying to heal him and open him up before he learned to be closed off. While I was not capable of fully protecting my child. Some of his success is getting sabotaged in gas-lighting. I did give him a point of reference that he would never have if I just accepted it. I can't wait for my child to open up. That is the point I will know I have his heart. The divorce was hard on him and he is allowed to have his own perspectives. I honour his struggles and he knows he has a mom that is trying to reach him no matter where he is. He has to learn to do the relationship connection back. Not be told but actually participate. He will have to reach out and include me. Not sure I can make it past all of the garbage my EX threw on us. I do know that my son knows he has a mom that loves him. It is hard for kid that see Dad make excesses and for them to learn to be a person of action and character. My Narcs Idea of character was more verbal. Yet he did get career opportunity's because of his brown lies. Fake it till you make it. My child will not have the same opportunity. My EX had family help him with his job connections. The governor has not done this for his own child. He is too busy trying to teach him a lesson and make him grovel. For my child to be successful they do need to learn to see through gas lighting. This is the hard patch because as a mom I want a close tender relationship. So you have to balance the mediums of what you TEACH and what your child NEEDS. Please be aware of both things. If you can have those two areas hold each others hand. You will surly get through this time of your life. Fulfil your child's needs while you teach.
  18. This is the damage that happens. It hurts beyond belief. You watch it gobble up bit of your life you cherish and hope to salvage any traces of being human. For me I stayed in the same place. I did not move. I did not change jobs. I stayed in the same groups. I let them see a very unpolished hurt me. Accepted me for being damaged and then worked on my ability's. I found that area's life were hurt and very glad to not hide it. I worked at slowly healing the relationships around me. There is this thing that people can sense things yet they were never apart of the abuse. This is the very thing you work at healing. That conscious energy that felt like I had a large hole in my heart. I did not have to do anything. It was the first time in my life I had acceptance. I was able to do what he denied me!!! THE ABILITY TO LOVE MYSELF!!! To love my life. This comes through the rainy days. With every rain cloud you feel shine bright sun considerate care through it. Keep shining those rays.
  19. After going through Narc abuse it is a miracle to have love and acceptance in my life at all. I was so trigger happy with every slight. Not everyone does it to hurt and control you. Some people are just strong people. You can tell in time because when a situation that is repetitive comes around. They do not continue there is monitoring and stopping of self once they learn your feelings. They can stop themselves yet they are strong and do have skills of assertiveness. One of the things that I notices was my awareness I was watching everyone where people are busy having relationships I was still monitoring. I do know people that are Narcissistic in nature but as a healed woman of narc abuse. These people do not control me and it does not mean that because I was the target of one that every single narc will make me the target again. Actually I do let them know I see them. I do let them see I can not be controlled. As for deep relationships it will always be topical. No need to tell them that!!! Not every Narc I experience uses those skills the way my EX did. It is impossible to walk through life and not know a few. It is the good ones that you want in your life. Not every narc attacks their closest source. Actually I find Narcs can be a bit sloppy. They do leave holes and if your smart once someone learns how painful it can be to cross you they usually never try again. You are always allowed to protect yourself and put up boundaries. All relationships have boundary definitions and that is normal. That is what has been damaged. That is why we look and look and look. Almost like we are waiting for them to fail. Why because we have learned something. Our New relationships will know we grasp this but do not access it and we require the other person to exercise the same restraint. For me to find this in a mate I actually had to find one that had experience Narc abuse in his own life. We both know it does not come from each other. We are both quite strong intellectually. Somehow we both like nature and just having a casual good time. It like we both surrendered our own experiences. Each person has to work this out within themselves.
  20. The Governor saw I updated my linked in profile and deiced to hit auto send on his and send me a friend request on his Linked in account. Well I have ignore all of his poop. This one I decied to copy a phone shot and post to my Facebook page so my friends can have a go at it. Let him see what people think. :-)
  21. Welcome the book is awesome. It might get you started in the right direction. I am glad you have found us. We are a great forum to bounce ideas off of. Please know that we do offer great advice and the sole decisions are yours. Make the best decisions for you and your life. Your safety will always be first in all of my advice. Take care!
  22. Sounds great !!! How exciting :-) Wohoo!!!
  23. Welcome so glad to see how well your write. There are a lot of similarities in all our storeys with subtle differences. If he is willing to yell in front of the kids you might be in for a ride. These guys do that and when your not around put seeds in the kid's minds to make them feel you are causing the problems. Try to be really smart with the time you give him with the children. Did Mr Nice guy ever quit drinking? Keep writing it helps so much to sort feelings.
  24. Yes, I fully understand!!! I am working out of poverty. It is getting better. Trust me I do miss much of the comforts. This is where you know yourself. It is fully okay, to be honest with this part. You have done very well you have taken a stand. Yep nothing left financially but for me, it was the right thing to do. I was deteriorating badly. Not sure I could have made it through the old age part. We were starting to up the arguments and it was getting wicked. I settled too much along the way and did not get my proof. Forgiveness gives a clean slate but it also buries you. I say call the police and forgive afterwards. Try being straight forward and sweet but very firm. Hard lined but say it softly and sweetly. See if he starts to respect a smart woman that knows herself. Know if he leaves you other men would be happy to be him. Somehow that confidence is attractive. Narcs love to have things they can't have. So if you project this he might respond with interest. Call the weak man's bluff.
  25. He sounds incredibly perceptive. Might be because he was talking about his job and most people would have some general conversation about how wonderful he is to help women. He might think you reacted because of the direction of the conversation. Not that you were easy to read. This was a hard thing for me to realise in my healing. The trama's that I went through changed the way I would talk. If nothing happened to me at all my conversations would be general warm chit chat and banter. Because something has I have more conviction and views because I spent allot of time developing myself. Not sure it is a bad thing. I see it as good but having a conversation which flows is an art form. This is what I am healing from. If it is truly behind me then I do not need to project things into all my conversations. I really would not worry about what he notices. I would see each relationship as a chance to learn who people are. To see if you can have fun with him. What might be nice is that he might want someone he can talk about work with. You might tell him that because he works in domestic violence sector that why some women might get sick of talking about his cases. You do like hearing about the storeys and how women get through the challenges. Take the wins in your life. I would tell him that you did go through some drama's with your EX but you find it more important to get to know each other before you have deep talks with him. That you like to feel closer to people before you have those open conversations. You need to be close before you open up because when you talk about things of past it because it creates questions. Hard questions can get in the way of getting to know each other's humour, building your friendship, learning how to respond in front of mutual friends. That if you both get to that point in your relationship then you would be glad to answer all his questions. It has very little to do with what you can create. Just because you had a bad experience does not mean you can't create beautiful, loving, warm deep relationships. At the same time, he is perceptive and well if he is the type of guy that fills in the blanks when he has fillings. This will stand out by waiting to develop a deeper friendship tie. There is good narcissism and he can see you. You see him too! What is important is how he uses his talents of perception? How does he treat people when he is done? Your past it hurt but it really does not define you. Kind of matters but not hugely. What is appropriate is up to each person. Maybe you should just have fun and then if things are still going strong after a while then you can discuss the location of your toothbrush. You are free and there ar no such thing as wrong. Just adults that do not make big mistakes. You are allowed to make slow decisions on big matters. So do not rush into anything. Tell him your looking forward to getting to know him and who you are with him. That is enough for now.