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Everything posted by MorningGlory

  1. You can create rules to how you will talk to her and if yelling comes into it you have the right to say calm down and we will talk when you are in control of yourself. Taking a stand to not accept the abuse. I think you might be dealing with a BI POLAR DISORDER. If you are going to stay married you can suggest her seeing a doctor and getting on medication. She needs to start managing it because her old ways are not working anymore. I had a friend that got on the right bipolar medicine and he was the perfect person. After so many years your body will eventually start to show the chemical discrepancy. Cracks appear and either you fix it or suffer the consequences of not fixing it. Sorry I did not read more in a rush to get to work? God Bless!
  2. You have the ability to forgive yourself. By some strange chance that it's bugging you at this time might be your learning curve? It comes at a time you are healing and starting to slowly feel again. Some times our self-consciousness sits on us to see if we learn or if we are willing to do it again. If you get into the same spot again how would you handle it? As a wiser braver woman that realized, she has lived this path before or one that stands earlier and less tolerant? I think it's okay to know yourself and know that if a relationship takes you there you have two feet to stand on. Older women learn independence. That is what we teach our daughters. That might be why you can get it out of your mind? What did you learn about yourself and that situation? How would you handle it if you're in the same area again? Some women know exactly what they want and how to find it. I have had to date by brail and learn the hard way. with each hiccup some how can read the page better.
  3. My son on his own has contacted his doctor. Son(19) has decided to try and remove the Asperger syndrome the governor used to put control mechanisms on me and remove my son's confidence, to be honest, and truthful. He had to leverage my son or his new wife would figure out who he truly was. So for me, it is huge because my son is saying you no longer have a hold on me and you have made the goals in my life impossible because of this thing you have done. Ladies I hope that I can continue to help my son and he decides to not hold me responsible for what the governor has done. I could not fix some of the things that man did. Pray for me this week if you do pray? Thanks, everyone!
  4. Just another facet to argue over. He will not quit.
  5. Every time I hit enter all my TEXT disappears. Any one else doing this? I have written some really good stuff to hit the button and it is all gone. POOF!!!!
  6. Thanks, Quad need to develop those habits while writing here. After putting 15 minutes into writing I get so frustrated when I do my internet texting habits and the whole kit and kaboodle disappears. Have a habit of SHIFT + ENTER. once get to the end and hit ENTER. It's a goner. Save before ENTER! Save before ENTER! ────(♥)(♥)(♥)────(♥)(♥)(♥) __ ɪƒ ƴσυ'ʀє αʟσηє, ──(♥)██████(♥)(♥)██████(♥) ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɧα∂σѡ. ─(♥)████████(♥)████████(♥) ɪƒ ƴσυ ѡαηт тσ cʀƴ, ─(♥)██████████████████(♥) ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɧσυʟ∂єʀ. ──(♥)████████████████(♥) ɪƒ ƴσυ ѡαηт α ɧυɢ, ────(♥)████████████(♥) __ ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ρɪʟʟσѡ. ──────(♥)████████(♥) ɪƒ ƴσυ ηєє∂ тσ ɓє ɧαρρƴ, ────────(♥)████(♥) __ ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɱɪʟє. ─────────(♥)██(♥) ɓυт αηƴтɪɱє ƴσυ ηєє∂ α ƒʀɪєη∂, ───────────(♥) __ ɪ'ʟʟ ʝυѕт ɓє ɱє.
  7. The brain will try to heal itself in your sleep. It will run different scenarios and patterns. While some of it when you wake up might make you uncomfortable. You do need to let your brain blow off some steam. What I found is when I was receiving pressure and feeling attacked. It generated anxiety which sent my brain into overtime. It is one of the signs that you're dealing with PTSD but still does not mean you have it. Even when you start to heal from PTSD years later a stressful situation can still trigger nightmares. Some of the pain we have to deal with is what we wanted for our lives. The goals we always tried to obtain and the time the NARC took made some of those dreams distant and unobtainable. Your mind has to reconcile this with your spirit and soul. So it entertains it self in strange ways. For what it is worth it might be your mind pumping you up to withstand an upcoming encounter. Be grateful for the mind doing so much work in your sleep and thank your mind for working on it. When I went to bed I would say to myself if you can figure out how to get more peace I would be grateful MIND. Do what you have to do to heal.
  8. Yeah, the Governor would do that to let me know how it was going to go for me if I represented myself rather than make his life perfect for him. He is working really hard to create a whole scenario of confusion to make you just go along with him. Disengaging is also the best defense and the best revenge. They are not getting the emotional feed back. Get absorbed into something and put your focus on something else.
  9. Anything that is not clear and sorted clearly in paperwork can be dropped with out needing to consult you. Just to be a jerk my EX-canceled his land line so I could not call my son. I at least had Skype written in and because of that, he had to provide at least the Skype. So he did with a mirror behind it in the living room so he could watch me talk to my son. Specify EVERYTHING. LANDLINE, access to your child through Skype and social media accounts. Require having your child's passcodes while he is underage to any accounts created. If you get remarried that they can not interfere with the child being there or the ceremony. The child brings clothing in current size. If he moves he is not allowed to add extra traveling expenses to your visitation. My EX even tried to say he grounded my son and I was to uphold any punishment over here. YAH RIGHT! They try everything!!!
  10. I find the abusers that have changed can talk about what they did and can publically say how they hurt their wives. They can even state what they do so they see change. My guess is that he is being nice but has not done the work of healing abuse. If he had there would have been understanding that is clear and stated. Put your money in a safe place and have your exit plan in order when he shows that side again make it swift and fast. The more you go back the more they steal from you. The more people around you get sick of it. The more friends that stop believing your feelings.
  11. Anywhere on the internet is not really private. If you posted here he would have to prove it was you and I do not think any judge would let him use it as evidence it more hearsay. We are good for advice but people can give similar stories and it is not the same person. I had my abuser stalking me and following me on Facebook sites attacking me. He did this to try and shut down my honesty. So people could not put things together. I am a big believer in living with some truth. Truth has never helped me make friends or get ahead. It has kept me alive and gave other people in my life understanding so they had ground to stand. Give Nick names to people. never write areas. ask advice and take out things that can link you to it. You can alway delete your profile but if someone quotes you it is in their text. I would think the true trick is more when you can write and when you can read in private. Hope it helps!
  12. Yes, state laws are huge even if you're in counseling. If you are not allowed to record someone with out their knowledge it does not matter what they said on the tapes. He can file something against you and it will go on your record. I did record my abuser and it was legal in my state but it became illegal the next year. I kept it because it could be administered by the court of law if the court saw that it was recorded before the law changed. I also saved it for my child to hear. If he ever wondered. I did tell one of his friends to create a fear that I had something on him so I could get him to be more agreeable. I do not recommend trying to fool your abuser or putting him in a position. The only reason I did it was because I knew my abuser well. If he thought he was going to be seen he went incognito. It was my way to let him know if he killed me he could still have enough evidence against him in his own voice. I even had my abuser admitting he had threatened my life before. For the sake of custody issues and proving you're a fit parent. I do not suggest taking it there. That stuff can make you look unfit. A fit parent can keep a clear mind in hard situations and know NO means NO and not fight when provoked. You do not need to prove anything it will not help you where all of a sudden he becomes sad your hurt. It will not teach him this thing he was lacking from the beginning. Care and love of your best interest in the relationship. Stay strong and clear keep your focus. Be with your children for the right reasons just to love them and provide good care. This is the only thing that matters and you are the best one that can give it to them.
  13. Sometimes they do this to try and rub salt in the wound. I am so happy Blah Blah Blah.
  14. Your not ready to date one man for a relationship. I do feel you are ready to date. I would be very clear that you are in the process of getting to know yourself again. That you need to have fun for a while. That once you have had some time to learn who you are again and what you like. That after that you might be willing to talk about what you want in a person. Hopefully, by then, you will be surrounded by a few men who you know who they are and you can be honest and have a few to whom you can see your self with. It more than an answer the right question match-up. You really need to get to that point where you can say I know who I am and this is what I want. When you're there you will ready to date in a solid relationship. Because if you do not see it you can say, sorry hun you are not it! You will have more clarity and instead of telling someone till they become what you want you will see how to find exactly who you're looking for.
  15. Unhappy- Glad you're here and with a group of survivors. We do not have all the answers but our advice can help you sort from the false mishmash. I would encourage you to take deep stock at look at each person with this is a way it is the mentality. By doing this we can think our way straight and develop strategies that move you into a spot where you can start standing more self sufficiently. Thanks for all you have written it really helps for us to get to know you. Let's go with what we know: Your husband loves to make you pay for his emotional pain. He is a Physician and has the accountability and understanding of one. he intimidates you by yelling and calling me names. Takes it to action by inflicting physical harm on himself and getting physical proof and getting printed records for the reason he knows and is fully aware. My belief is because he wants to secure the paternal parent ship of the children. Each time he does that he creates a more believable record. Did you mention leaving him or divorce near these times that he beat himself up? We also know he has no problems completely lying to anyone. This means his thinking is very calculated. It also makes him unpredictable. There are parts of that unpredictability as to why you probably call back calling him on his lies? Your children have witnessed years of abuse and are now participating in these actions making plans with your husband. You state this when you wrote. Abuse is usually centered around money and he has your family in on it. This is a great book to start: http://allworth.com/allworth/allworth/titles/12317-9781621535546-love-money might help you counter some of this garbage you're facing. Look for your windows of opportunity and seek lots of advice from people that have abuse backgrounds. The only counselor you need to go to is your own and I would make sure they have an understanding of domestic abuse. I would not attend a counselor my husband is seeing.
  16. Thank you for reminding me of why I left. You help me stay strong in me resolves. :-) It is amazing the more you give the more they feel entitled to bicker. My current nice husband expects me to cut his hair. I told him one day I will not be doing it he needs to go to the shop. So he tried to argue about the expense. I told him you're going to argue with your hairdresser about your hair. If I am your hairdresser you will not be telling me how to do my job! So he said I will wait for the next slot. I said NO. You're going in and you will quit harassing me over it. If I have a hard week and feel like I need to send you to a hairdresser once in a while you will not argue with my discretion. You will sort it. You asking me to do something that is not my expertise and once in a while if I say go you will go without giving me grief or guilt. So we both went to the hairdressers and he got his hair cut. I said to him, notice how you treated her you even said thank you. If I choose to cut your hair it is a favor and you will be grateful for that favor. If you feel you need your hair cut you can alway come here no one is tying your hands. His hair looks nice. Believe I might still send him again. Will be phasing myself into respect and not take on a thankless burden. Awe hey he is getting the picture. Narc man would find a new avenue. Good men learn respect. They learn from experiences. You still might have a situation but it creates fully different results. Narc men bang on and on. This is what women in healthy relationships do not get. They can have a situation and believe that if you stand you get different results. They can't see the different nature because they have a man with a good nature.
  17. ****Starshine big hugs***** You're doing awesome. Just think of how compassionate a woman you will be in your career. The drinking is not a joke. He does it for many reasons. He tasted the nectar of many things he loves and it's selfish. It's not a true love it fulfilling his own needs. Men drink so they can do conscious sins and hide behind the drink. Sleep with women, do things to drunk women without consent, instead of taking emotional responsibility in relationships blame a lack of love on partners. All of it is hiding and blame shift. When you go through this process of leaving him. You will see him try to gain area to blame shift. Diffuse as many of those as possible and alway confront him with self-responsibility. You can take anything he has ever offered you as gifts and experience. You have learned even from his worst times. The best times were a gift and even though those are few and far between you can still celebrate those gifts of time. In anger never destroy the good in your own soul. When you are no longer a couple. you can take those good times and still assemble yourself without him and know you had lots of good and love to offer. Why because you did put the best foot forward and sometimes things just don't work. If I am no longer with a man it does not mean I throw all that good away. I do move on and retain myself. You're at a place that feels lonely when you separate from a relationship. It's hard because to walk away from them all the reasons you're leaving your partner need to remain at the top of your head. Just know once it's over you can brush off those reasons and have the good that you are on the inside. Even if he quits drinking you know the work he would have to do? The honesty is not there with the reasons why he chooses to the drink. Nope, that man will have to be sober for years before he can even tackle the pieces to who he is. This is where you know you are smart. The amount of time you would have to sacrifice would be years for a not guaranteed result. You can meet someone else that is not there and have years of awesome fulfillment full of life because they are there and already arrived. You have not lost any of your life. You will have about 7 years of fullness rather than waiting for 7 years to be light years away from a partner just starting to see himself. You will be still very unfulfilled because your fullness he can ever reach. You will not have an intellectual partner. You will not have a friend. You will still be alone. It hurts to see the truth but this is because you have those healing qualities within you. You will be a great friend to other men and women waking up to the same experience.
  18. Haha, he is so desperate for attention. You know it was to make you think about him being with another woman. This is his insatiable need to brag. Makes him feel more like a catch. A good answer is to respond with a little condescending message: I am so happy for you. You're such a catch I bet she would be throwing herself at you in every angle. LOL It's kind of mocking his sexual exploits. It allows you a tad bit of upper hand and shows he is bragging about sex. Then is he starts to send the cry baby stuff? A good answer: What happened did you girly connection not cut it for you? Well, you never did listen to me, so I will say it again. I really have no desire to be with you. I do suggest a good psychologist for your pandering needs. Have a great day I know I am. :-) If he responds: (Cut and paste every time) Well, you never did listen to me, so I will say it again. I really have no desire to be with you. I do suggest a good psychologist for your pandering needs. Have a great day I know I am. :-) He gets nothing emotional from you. You have not taken any head space from yourself. You are not allowing him to use his misinformation's to put contradictory information in your head. You show strength and that makes him miss you more. The are attracted to strong women. The problem is they are a mess and try to control them. I have no problem with a strong guy that has his head on straight taking a lead. I do have problems with someone that has selfish, uncompassionate, and heartless motives trying to lead. Not going to happen I will lead myself and make my own decisions.
  19. ???

    Perfect shot himself in the foot. Love it!!!
  20. ???

    Abusers stick their toes over the line that they are not supposed to cross. There are many reasons they do this: If you explain yourself it establishes an area of credibility for him. He then only needs to create doubt in others. If he can control you area then honesty is difficult if you blatantly speak your mind the little boy can feel hurt and show pain. This gives them social high, others will validate them and you then look cruel. You have to stew in internal emotional pain without proper healing of getting it out. Talking about it deeply. If he can just go and be good you look like a lying smuck. He only needs to be fun and shine. If you want him then he can reject you and then he can put his little boy ego on and be smug. He can show attraction to other woman and care toward these single ladies. To try and make him look kind. Using his big boy ego. He can use this to try and keep you in a post-traumatic state so when he later gas lights you. You don't fight for something he wants.
  21. Plan your escape and don't look back. The soon the better and those ugly hurt feeling will get better.
  22. Yes, I understand what you're saying. Mine moved me around a lot. It was not good for me. I needed grounding and he refused to see what I needed true friends. You can't get those relocating every few years. They have to stay topical. I could not figure out why he did this for the longest time. I asked him once and he gave a creepy almost truthful answer. Because people believe what you tell them. So I think once the reality started to set in that he was faking it till he made it. He would need to move on. It was making me really sick. I asked him to size down for a few years and just let be together and not work so hard. He told me he wants the door. (meaning fancy house) It's really frustrating because he had done these things. He has said them. He has meant it. If I tell anyone he has he denies it and holds me accountable for being cold. So it like he only confessed enough to set the record straight but to not have a transparent relationship with mutual respect. This puzzled me for years then I realized he had cheaters in his family. That while I was trusting and could not prove much that his cold disrespect was a learned behavior. So he might have learned this form of coldness and thought this is the way you keep your life on track. I believe he has secrets that will go to his grave. He does things that make me try to burn with anger and fury on the inside. It's like you want to just drop it all to feel peace. When you briefly let go you go along with it and for a short time actually, believe you have peace because you're not in turmoil. Really it's lost in his identity and you feel like you have a mate but it not that either, it's you coping. I believe that this is the mechanism that has kept me, hostage, all these years. His way to keep me in control and what has been my Stockholm Syndrom Achilles heel. The internal conflict he creates will never be resolved because of it's his own self creation. He does not even know what it is? He does know what he is but holds out and keeps it all locked away. There is an area of their heart that you can't touch. It's a black pandora's box! Trust me no one will ever believe you, Describe the fury you feel and it explains nothing of what you have actually had to live with. It like the corporate triad of miscommunications. How all the departments get into a lock down. They all sound like someone else is responsible and you run to that department for fixing. Then they listen and redirect you into the very same situation. Never fixes and just make you upset when another problem occurs and you have no voice, no feelings, no integrity, no power, and are responsible for results.
  23. They are very tapped into the way people view them. The car grill even need to be bigger then everyone elses car. The watch has to be new and outrageous. I did love when I was talking to my son on Skype and my EX bolts into his room. He announce that he has to get off the computer and help him. His Bar-Be-que. Rolled down the hill in his back yard because of a brisk wind. Then ask my son what he is doing? He responds talking to mom! :-) So let get this straight: Idiot did not set the foot break on monster new shinny grill. Its too big even the GODS CAN NOT MOVE iT!!! LOL It rolls down hill and tips. This is such a huge job requires my son to stop what he is doing to fix it. Because son is the bigger MAN! He is such a man he can't haul his own grill up a hill even with wheels. :-) Lets look at the time? Yep right when all the neighbors are diving home so they can hear him laughing overly loud and instructing son. One of life's most important skills is to learn how teach your son to haul the grill up the hill because all grill roll down hill unless your in heaven. When using a grill it's very important to take it to the tallest point of your property so that you can show the neighbors your smoke is not a fire. Your new wife is so selfish she will not help you haul that grill up the hill but points it out and has known about it all day. :-) JOY your new grill is now dented because of nature time to buy a new one because gosh it just sooo sad! :-( Poor little boy!!! Son pick up grill and returns to mom because he is efficient and well loves mom! <3 God Bless a mother that waits... AHhhh!!! Dealing with gas-lighting can have it wonderful moments. CHERISH THEM!!!
  24. I wrote this agreement and it was part of a marriage class we took together in church. Not abuse focused but possessive life creating. I choose to keep this document that has his signature on it. Quiet enjoy reading it. I particularly love how I highlight aspects of care. As if I held his hand and stroked his ego to treat me like the loved cat sitting next to him. It was exactly what you said. In our hall and look great. Even had official document etching. visitors we are trying this hard we covered these topics. "Barf" still could not figure out how to love me. As if not treating some as a burden is difficult. I actually find it very hard to treat people that way. This is the very mystery. Even when people are jerks I still find it hard to not be respectful. I guess these people really do enjoy what they do. When you try to stick it to people it take so much hate and is suck hard work. I pretty sure there are no filing cabinets in my brain that enjoys taking those type of notes. What people assume that are not fully professionals is that you can give them the image and create the magic they always wanted in life and have birds chirping and harmony. This is a lie. You end up many more years emotionally bankrupt with a man unwilling to love the true you. They love their dream. They miss the you have to be honest in order to heal phase. That might requite a few harsh words and straight out resistance. I do not look pretty in this phase. A band-aide only provides time not healing. AWESOME!!!! It's the Johnny Appleseed that keeps on giving. My friends in High school made up a joke. It was the Name Johnny Appleseed. It meant nothing. Not even a statement it was just a name. So the few people that know loved it. Would laugh and pretend they understood the joke and nostalgia of Johnny Appleseed. People would be so frustrated some even pretend to know and made up a theory to hold as to what it was. They even started claiming to be experts on what Johnny Appleseed was? Five years later the cat came out of the bag it was a measure to create interest like quiz did in the town around the 1800's Johnny Appleseed did not catch on like quiz did. You could say it died in it tracks. LOL
  25. Seven years out and I can say they do not change. They work really hard to try and set up scenarios where you have to try and exalt them from their new platforms. They might have a more pliable source and try to make you feel guilt for not being with them or even try and turn your external support to he is a great guy type of cult like following. I always say he had no problem taking people that treated me bad to dinner and buying them a drink to celebrate himself. You are at the other end of that fun sarcastic little boy. It is not humour but a doubled edge steamy poop sword of entitlement. They have no guilt for burying you emotionally and financially. Remeber: You can have a relationship with them but it might not be emotionally rewarding. They have no concern with bringing out the best in you. The mutual two side values of a true relationship is usually absent. Only people that get to know you can validate you. (They have spent their entire life teaching you who they are.) Relationships that keep you in defensive stance become offensive. Usually they befriend you to show you a carrot of what they wanted out of life. Which usually has nothing to do with the desires of your life goals. My EX has spent a majority perfecting all the things I loved and wanted in my relationship. Ones he made my life hell over. Ones he refused to do with out a fight. In the US those were things I wanted. Living in AU well it's different. So he loves to post all the things I love with her and pretends I am jealous. In the US plenty of places to go out dancing. In the outskirts of AU well unless you want to dance with the golden oldies or topped up teens. Just not the same adventure. So it not on the same list from when we were married? Yah, now I am over it. So does it mean I gave up my goals or rusted away my ability's. No I changed my place and sorry hiking and beach walks are my new dancing. I will not forget picking up my child for my parental visit. He hit the garage door. (funny most people use the front door) YEP NO DRAMA THERE!!! My son walked out and his dad took the hand of his EX finance and they started dancing and he was twirling her. I laughed so freaking hard. Then she went to shake my hand. So I gave her the dreaded Indian knuckle squeeze. She had to take it with out screaming. No she would not show drama!!! LOL