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About HanginOn

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  • Birthday July 15

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  1. Eidi16, You'd think after a week of thinking about it, I would know what to say -- how to reply. It's been almost 4 1/2 years now, for me. And, yes, I'm doing really well now. But I didn't get though it easily.. if you've read much of the 10 pages of this thread that would be very apparent. It's been a long road - even after I stopped posting here. The two things that have helped me the most are TIME and more important -- my relationship with God. He's gotten me thru this. Period. Well, He's gotten me to where I am now, anyway. Since I still have some PTSD I guess I'm not completely through it. But it really is truely amazing where I am now. And some of you are wondering... and the answer is, yes, I divorced my huband. It took awhile though. I've been single and free for a year and a half now. Eidi16, I have no idea about what your husband is like.. if there has been other abuse - or on-going abuse from him. Or what your relationship is like now. So I'm not going to tell you you need to get away from him.. divorce him. BUT, I will tell you that THAT is what I had to do. I was dying in that situation. The constant fear, not being able to even start to get better (the PTSD) until I was away from him. And as far as you holding a grudge.. of course you do. He has no idea the truely devestating effect what he did has had on you. Yeah, him being reminded about what he did to you is unpleasent for him.. but if you are anything like me, you probalby live with weekly, maybe even daily painful reminders. It was a horrible horrible thing that your husband, the one whoose supossed to protect you, did to you. So if you have a painful reminder.. are you supposed to protect him from unpleasentness and keep it to yourself??? If there is NO abuse from him in your realationship, I would say some good counseling (for both of you) is the only way you're going to get through this, marrage wise, and even so it's gonna be tough. If your husband IS abusive.. forget the joint coulseling. Marriage counseling with an abusive husband doesn't work and is asking for trouble. And if that IS the case, your husband is abusing towards you, you need to seriosly consider getting out. Circumstances may make that seem impossible - I know it did for me.. But you don't deserve to live like that. So that's what I have to say, for what it's worth. And I do want to say, again, because it's the one biggest factor in where I'm at now, that without God's help, I probably would have opted for taking the bottle of pills that I used to talk so much about. If you want to talk more about that your welcome to personal-message me. And, actually, I am going to have to un-link this thread to my email. I can't handle having, at any time, the title of my thread "My husband had me arrested" appear on my phone. It's a huge trigger. And I don't want to come back to this thread on here, really. But I you do want to talk about any of this some more, go ahead and personal-message me and I will come back and check it -- or maybe I can keep that link to my email, just not the thread (I'll have to check). Good luck Eidi16. I wish you the best.
  2. eidi16 - Found your post on my phone (email) today. It was a bit of a shock since I had completely forgotten about this forum -- or my posts. And I've wanted to forget everything about what happened to me and why I posted here in the 1st place. I've tried. And I've done pretty well at it.. but it just won't go away. My PTSD is so much better these days, but I still get triggered from time to time ('bout 3x a week). And boy was your post/email a trigger for me today. But that's o.k. I am still, however, thinking about just how I should respond. I want to respond in a healthy, helpful way.. And not let the anger that wells up in me from just reading your post get the best of me (or the anxiety that this causes in me). So I will give this some thought. It may take me a few days. But I will respond. And to any of you out there who remember me.. and were so helpful to me.. Eidelweiss, Grabforjoy, Bink, percolate,big girl, and others.. -- I don't know if you are still on here, but if you are I want to tell you that.. I've made it to the other side. I am doing wonderful. I'm in a place mentally,emotionally, spriitually, financially, that I never thought it would ever be possible for me to be in. I am happy.
  3. Wow. I worked hard to get my head in a place where I could really focus and get some things accomplished in the office... I sit down at my desk and H immediately announces that he is going to Europe for spring break (we're in the States). ~~ Now my brain has run away once again. So much for work today.
  4. As far as lawyers, Hazelbee, there are many in my area that will do a free initial consult but NOT for divorce matters -- the main reason being the potential "opportunity cost" of not being able to represent the other party if I do not retain their services. But I do have someone in mind though that my counselor suggested and one other, as well, that has DV experience (I think they both do, actually). I'm not ready to file yet, however. Got a text from my H yesterday... "Would you like to go out for dinner with me, and then maybe a movie?" My response wasn't exactly positive. But turns out the text wasn't meant for me anyway. He said he meant to send it to our daughter and sent it to me by mistake. But I don't really care who it was meant for - not even enough to ask daughter if that was true or not. I just don't care. I've been looking at the online job listings in my area.. Just to get an idea of what's out there. From time to time I'll see something that sounds like a position I could at least apply for, realistically speaking. I don't, of course. But I look. And consider... which is more than I could do 6 months ago.
  5. Thanks for the comments. I've popped-in often but haven't posted for a long time. Not sure why, really. I made it through Christmas. It was hard though. So many triggers. I feel like he took Christmas from me... something that used to be very special - and turned to into a nightmare... something that forevermore is just something to "get through." We are still in that semi-separated state. I've got my room (used to be ours) on the second floor and he's in the basement. We still work together (home office) though I try to be in there when he's not around but that often doesn't work out that way. He goes to his hangout, the local country western dance bar (very into going dancing) pretty much every Fri & Sat night. I don't like to be around when he leaves... he gives me this smug, "I have a life and you don't" look as he heads out the door. What-ever. I talked to a lawyer back in Oct (I think). After telling him my story (of what my husband has done to me) I felt that he used that and approached me in such a way (the way he talked to me and the words he chose) that was intended to manipulate me into putting down my retainer and signing with him. Once he got in all protective mode and said "If you were my sister I would advice you..such-in such... blah blah blah. I liked him at first but that quickly faded. Anyway, I really only learned one thing I didn't already know in the initial consult (that cost way too much money). Anyway... My H reminds me often that we are getting divorced and he can hardly wait.... but HIS time frame is to wait till my son graduates high school because "we wouldn't be able to afford his tuition (private christian school) after the divorce. That would be the end of May 2016 - about 16 months from now. Yes, I know I don't need to follow HIS timeline. This life I'm living right now is awful. But I'm not ready to be on my own yet. My counselor is trying her best to help me prepare. At her insistence I did my first resume in about 20 years. I do have a degree... and I do have experience helping to run our business (payroll, bookkeeping, taxes etc..)... and our rental properties... and I know how to prepare a darn good resume. BUT, when I showed it to my counselor.. even though everything on it is technically true -- If I gave that to a prospective employer I would feel like a liar... Like I'd be misrepresenting myself as a qualified person and a good hire.... when I know I'm NOT. Well, my counselor had A LOT to say about that... but I still can't help but feel that way. I did appreciate someones post today (or yesterday?), sharing her journey back to work/school/better work at about 50 and being out of the work force for a long time. I am almost 50 myself and this was encouraging (sorry, can't remember who it was at the moment). The temp work idea is a good one. Starting small to maybe help rebuild some confidence. Well, if I don't get to bed soon I'll be worthless tomorrow. Just felt like writing a little tonight - though not sure I made much sense.
  6. I HATE MY HUSBAND AND WISH HE WAS DEAD!!!!!! Just say'in.
  7. Violent Resistance. Yes. I am familiar with that. I want to see HIM hauled away in handcuffs by the police. I hate his guts and I wish he was DEAD!
  8. I cancelled the appointment I was supposed to have with a lawyer on Tuesday. Decided that a newlywed just in her 3rd year as a lawyer was not someone experienced enough. I have an appointment tomorrow (Fri) afternoon with an attorney that has a lot more experience. Of course, he's twice the cost, but I feel much better about this one.
  9. O.K., so - I've been trying to find out a little about the attorney that I have a consult with tomorrow ($100 for up to 2 hours). A new friend recommended her to me but I don't know how much this friend really knows about her, or what her case is like or how savvy (the friend) is about things like this. But the attorney is pretty young - only practicing for 3 years, fairly new to the area and her firm doesn't even appear to have a website. Also, her associate has a couple pretty bad online reviews. I don't know - I'm thinking my consult money would be better spent with a more experienced attorney (probably more expensive - but maybe worth it. (?)
  10. Wow. I could have written this. I understand. Grieving the dream. Grieving what could have been - what SHOULD have been. Yes, it hurts.
  11. Thanks Bink & Quaddie. It feels good to have done that. No, I don't have a counseling session before my appointment.. I wish I did, but I think I'll be o.k. And I really hope the lawyer w/DV experience calls back. In my message I said that I called her especially because of her experience with CrossRoads DV Shelter and that my situation is with and abusive husband.
  12. I called three lawyer's offices today (may call some more on Monday) Two I left a voice mail with. The 3rd I spoke with someone who took some basic info and scheduled me for a consultation on Tuesday afternoon. It's $100 for up to two hours. I'm not sure if I will keep this appointment. One of the lawyers I left a voice mail for has volunteered at the local domestic violence safe house and has done some pro-bono work for women in crisis... Not that I'm looking for pro-bono - but knowing she has experience with cases involving abuse .. well, that would be helpful. But I should have known better than to put these calls off till a Friday - when many lawyers seem to quit at noon. I couldn't get away yesterday, though, to get to a private/safe place to make my calls with less anxiety and no chance of being walked in on by my H. So... I wait till Monday to hear anything. BUT - I made the calls. My 2 hour counseling appointment on Wednesday helped a lot.
  13. I DESERVE to get the help I need to protect myself. I DESERVE to call and get the advice of a lawyer. There is absolutely NO reason to be afraid or ashamed. This is NOW, that was THEN. There is nothing wrong with or bad about doing this and other things in secrete, behind H's back in order to protect myself. O.K. I stand firmly behind those statements and believe them to be true... Except for some dumb reason I'm having a little trouble with the last one. My logic knows it's true, but my heart feels it's still wrong in some way. Need to get over that. Had a 2-hour counseling/EMDR session yesterday working on these very things.. and some of the other triggers that have to do with legal stuff (lawyers, court etc). Now I just need to find a quiet, private, safe place (avoiding places I have made lawyer calls in the past) and in a place and/or time that there is no chance of H walking in unexpectedly to interrupt. I need to do this. I deserve to do this.
  14. So the man I once loved enough to vow "in sickness and in health till death do us part" (and vise-versa) is out dancing tonight at a country-western dance bar... (as usual, he doesn't know that I know). He's probably buying women drinks, dancing a lot and looking to go home with someone. He is a good dancer and can be quite charming. He will probably be engaged before we are even divorced. Yes, HE will find someone new. I most likely will not. Does it bother me that he is doing this? More than I want it too, but probably not as much as it should.
  15. Bink. It means so much to have someone actually understand this. I have a couple friends here (I mean here in my town) who are supportive and knew I had planned on calling some lawyers today and now who can't understand at all what the big deal is. There's no way they could because I haven't told them what H did to me and what I went through.. I'm too ashamed to tell them. And what you said: "You did nothing wrong to cause your arrest. Therefore, calling a criminal attorney at that time was a simple necessity, not a description of you." The logical part of my brain KNOWS this is absolutely true... But there is some kind of disconnect or screwed-up wiring inside me I guess, because that is not how I feel and I can't seem to change that. Anyway, thanks Bink.