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Vicky

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Everything posted by Vicky

  1. Aurora, Congrats on your new marriage and what a great update! Sounds like you are doing well to remember to take care of yourself. Big Hugs!
  2. Just watched this episode online from Dateline titled "Behind Closed Doors" not sure how long the links will stay up as the site rotates episodes. This woman was married to a man who was abusive to her and she reported to police right away and split up and he went to anger management counseling. She contacted authorities, even had orders. She began to fear for her life, and they had 2 kids together. This is graphic and can be triggering, it addresses Rape in marriage, This is one tough gal, and I can relate to why she did things the way she did. People wonder why people dont just get out and get away, and there is the fear of being killed or no hope the police will hold them. And then what she endured going to court against him, she even got one of the rapes on tape,,, and they tried comparing it to 50 Shades of Gray and her husband and attny said it was "Role Playing" This woman got a bill in action to protect victims of violent crimes He was sentenced to 5 yrs in jail. And she was to pay his legal fees and spousal support! She got a law passed, its awesome! But they said in one year he will be out of jail. And my first comment is.... Wow, hes probably going to bother her next with visitation/custody for their 2 kids when hes out. See here is a person who took legal steps for protection and action and look what she still went through? God Bless her http://www.nbcnews.com/id/3032600/#51972270
  3. Noroses, the judge ordered her to pay him , but she got that turned around and the law changed! Chavah, it takes a minute for the page to load with the story, so just open it and wait and see if it works. I did look her up on other websites. Crystal Harris. Here is another clip and story on her, but the first link tells the complete story. http://abcnews.go.com/US/sexual-assault-victim-ordered-pay-alimony-attacker-fights/story?id=16075409#.UaLSgofVCSo
  4. Interesting to hear several of you speak about this and I believe it was Chavah speaking about her body rejecting her ex. Hmm I experienced that same feeling but never heard it described that way. I too did not want to be close to mine, I could snuggle or hug easier, but that meant sex to him, I was repulsed by his bodily fluids, it made me vomit, I was also turned off by his scent of his body.I couldnt stand his breath either, granted I attributed it to his health, but maybe there was more to it. And the last time I was intimate with him, I also felt like a prostitute, like I sold my soul. And it was me beforehand telling myself to just have sex with him and maybe it would make me feel closer(we had been separated and not living together and going to counseling and not intimate sexually for months) You dont sound ready at all to let him back into your intimate life, which is totally understandable and you are facing pressure to do so. And the threats to hurt himself, that is manipulation tactics. I just posted a thread from a Dateline tv episode that just aired, it made me think of your post, the woman filed charges against her husband for his abuse, they separated, he went to anger management then they later got back together, she said the abuse continued again, and eventually it got into the sexual aspect, she said No one eve and he said her answer was unacceptable, he raped and choked her, I just posted the episode on the forum. Listen to your body, your instincts are telling you something whether you realize it or not
  5. Summer, Agree with the others RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN He seems to be nothing but heartache, drama, games, insults, manipulative, inconsiderate. I dont see much positive in what you posted about him, so what is the attraction exactly? And are you footing the bill for all these trips?
  6. She mentioned leaving the state for a break on her last post, perhaps shes away?
  7. OT

    my husband has had a lot of back pain, been on his back, thrown it out and down for days at a time in the past. Finally got him to dr, they gave him a shot, but that was a temp fix, Not sure what Physio is on this post, or if thats the same as Physical Therapy? If so, I think both Chiro and Physical Therapy are good. Ive used both, my husband did the physical therapy but it was limited and expensive. As was mine for my wrist after I broke it. He sees an awesome Chiro now, who specializes in sports medicine and athletes. My husband also found out he has degenerative discs in his lower back. Since seeing this guy, hes not been down anymore, the guy gave him a "Rumble Roller" and its been a godsend for him to help with stiffness and pain, he has one for travel size he can take to work and for travel. Ive seen more benefit from chiro though for my husband. And we now have insurance that covers it which helps!
  8. I told my sons when that stuff got old, grounding from cell phones due to behavior that dad bought, I reached my limit cause of the games, and said "they stay at your Dads house" So you might just say the IPOD is for Dads house and it needs to stay there, if you catch it again, its GONE. I went through the clothing thing too, its a pain in the behind I know but not a lot you can do about it, they just know if they can upset you and get your attn, they keep at it. I had to put it on my son to make sure his stuff was packed and to get it together, I let him pack for wknds, and yes I often didnt get socks back. Or clothing stayed there for long periods. So when i did laundry the week before a visit, I often put the best clothes away or somewhere son didnt see them, so they didnt get packed up to go. Then I got emails I was dressing the kids in rags and blah blah blah, I just replied with "Your more then welcome to purchase clothing for our son also, I dont pack his bag, he packs it himself" somewhere around that point it finally stopped, the clothing emails. And I did tell my son about the email saying he was dressed in rags, to which he was puzzled. I kept a lot from my kids but sometimes it was so ridiculous and got so old.
  9. Around $10-12,000 for the divorce. But more in years to come for custody hearings... I loose track.... He was ordered to pay some of my fees, he did not, so a few yrs later my attny came back to me for what ex was ordered, and I had to re read my contract, didnt know if he defaulted I had to pay. And my ex still owes me $50,000 in back child support. Ive got a little over a yr to go till my youngest is 18, then Im legally DONE with the man in regards to kids, Hallelujah!
  10. Hanging, I wasnt beat by my abuser, it was a lot of mental head stuff. Mine threatened to call the police on me once, he was pinning me down and I hit his arm trying to get loose, he stood up and told me I was abusive and held the phone. I remember crying and pleading and he just stood there using it as a control game. He did not call, but it scared me. When I began attending the local DV group in my area, the first meeting I went to was to watch a movie, it was on women who killed their husbands. The idea of the film was all of these women were in jail today, but they endured abuse for a long time and snapped, they relived the stories of when they couldnt take it anymore, and they killed their husbands. This is to say how far this can all go and what happens to us when we live under that Glad you are here, keep posting! (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
  11. the word is "Extreme" which you can insert in front of any demographic I think abusers glob onto places where they can assert "Control" you can call me right wing conservative. And I left an abusive man, but I didnt think that was the reason, he just misused tenants of thought, more in the church,,, But I dont want to say Conservative Christians are abusive, its like comparing Westboro Baptist to all Christians or Baptists, its a SMALL tiny percentage and extreme people that twist things. I think when one gets into anything extreme and starts acting like their God, thats where trouble comes in
  12. I dont disagree with this, but another part of the problem is the isolation, self doubt, etc when one tries to get away. Most of us blame ourselves, or feel we have a fault or deserve, or dont understand, etc etc what is occurring. And many of us have dealt with it alone, or we cant always PROVE the abuse with physical evidence. So when one tells another person they were abused, they are often asked if they were "Beat" had filed police reports, seen a dr, had evidence, taken proper legal actions for the proof. Many havent, and with verbal and mental, thats is very difficult to often prove for most of us. Many of our abusers are charming to the outside world or phony there also. So then it becomes a matter of "Proof" Of the abuse, and then there are those who use the "I was abused" angle for legal manipulation when it isnt true, and then a whole other series of messes occurs. So I agree it totally breaks the contract, but most of us are not in a right place to even gain that type of insight till later on.. and the outside world (friends, family, lawyers, judges) often are not much help either. And for being in the church, which I was, my abuser went around and said I was the one with the problem once I started to try and get away from him,, he gathered his allies and went to work to discredit me. I was the quiet one not telling people what was going on in my home, nor did I understand, I was reading books on how to be a better wife, submissive, living in lock down and thinking if only I could do better, and beating myself up for it.
  13. Yes been through same disrespect and behaviors. Its really hard to establish rules and boundaries in your own home when they drag an outside abusive parent into it and manipulate and threaten with it. These are new issues people didnt have to this degree in the past with cell phones, computers, rapid access to communication at any time. I dont have any magic answers, myself and other moms I know can write scenarios like you describe. The behavior and disrespect got so out of control that mine went to live with Dad finally, have a gf who has a jr high daughter pulling same stuff, she just let her to go to dads also. An abuser can have constant access to us and what goes on in our homes with the computers and cell phones. It becomes a really slippery slope for further abuse against the mother, and messes with the kid, who becomes Dads ally for information and a puppet, sad thing is kids dont truly get it at the age they are at. Dad is cool and fun, Mom is the killjoy with the rules. And then insert being a teenager in the midst, its not pretty.
  14. Example I agreed to meet with mine at church with a pastor. He cried, said he had been doing things wrong, etc etc. I had already moved forward and filed, we were living apart, I agreed to meet with the pastor, he was all emotional and crying Once we got to the parking lot to our cars afterwards? He asked me to dinner, I said I wasnt up for that and wanted to go home. He said "Well then get away from me cause all I want to do is have sex with you" Nice huh? That sure will win me over! Yes be careful and what everyone else said
  15. Mine was nice when he felt he had a chance to get me back, once he didnt? All bets were off and he was nasty from then on out. That was back in 2000, hes still this way today
  16. Hey there, I think we can also get "Bad Mouthing" confused with Telling the truth. In my situation we were told not to "Speak derogatory" about the other parent, in our court paperwork. I always feared him and anything I said or did (my ex) and I see this happen over and over again with others in similar situations. One parent is trying to be so careful for fear of getting in trouble with the courts and their ex having Ammo to use against them in court, to a point where we are petrified and afraid to talk about anything. Yes , name calling, bad words, your Dad is a loser, etc, thats what is mainly referred to. But saying "I left your father because of abuse" or "That behavior is abusive" etc etc, calling things out is a different thing. I think I watched my mouth to a fault and my attny even said I did, with the problems I had later. The problem with this when leaving most abusive/controlling people is they DO NOT follow these court orders, so the children WILL hear bad talk from the other side. And I was always told they will get it when they are older, they will figure out the truth, etc etc. BUT it can do some serious damage to the here and now, and that is what I would Do over and change if I could. My youngest went through a period of talking to me when he was younger (He doesnt remember the abuse, he was 4 when we split) and hed wish Daddy still lived at home. Oldest would say "No you dont! You want to hear fighting all the time!" He came home and said "Dad said you say hes abusive" so I have no idea what kinda talk was going on, but my son was saying stuff like that. I said "Yes" and my son (and his father)consider abuse to be black and blue bruises and being beat physically. I said "Son there are different types of abuse." and explained that to him. He made a comment again about how his Dad wasnt abusive and he believed him, so I replied "So punching holes in walls and driving into fence posts and breaking things is okay?" and my son had this big eyes and looked at me. I told him to go look by our front door(which my ex patched all lumpy) he punched it out once while not allowing me to leave in a rage and his wrist was all bloody. My son got really quiet and never said anything else. But then all the sudden around age 15 he said "Dad says hes not abusive and I believe him" Mind you, we hadnt discussed abuse by their Dad or what he did in YEARS, and this came out of the blue, so Dad was saying things to son and talking about my claims and disputing them. He was busy twisting his head mentally the way he did to me when I was with him. So my advice is to call out behavior YOUNG, and speak about abusive behaviors as soon as you can. I just tried to protect mine, keep them away from abuse, they have no idea all I have endured behind the scenes since leaving their Dad. I wanted their live to be as "Normal" as possible when they were with me. Met a gf who has told her kids when Dad makes empty promises and claims "That wasnt very nice of him, thats not right" type statements. I also have another gf who heads up a divorce group at our church and in her home, so her daughter is around this, and does hear, and she has given her "Story" at church twice, mind you her daughter is still a minor, shes in high school. My oldest son was present for her story at the church service, she texted to tell me, as our situations are so similar with our kids and Im close to her, shes in same scenario as I was and am, very similar exes, but she has had police and court involvement and CPS moreso then I have ever had. Her situation is not great, but I do wonder in the future how her daughter will be. Most of our ex's are busy butchering us verbally to our kids, and anyone who knows us. So I think its a tough line to walk, I cant speak for my kids just yet, I just know its damaged our closeness as they both leaned towards Dad, Dad plays the poor me sad routine on them, and they are falling for it. And then as adults, they are going to be in the same abuse dynamic relationship, except this is their DAD for life, not the same as a spouse we divorced.
  17. Sounds like he just wants to get back in for the financial benefits for HIM. They always have a motive, sometimes it takes us a bit to see it, but being in your situation, its totally understandable, you are dealing with a lot and just want some kindness, help and attention, nothing wrong with that. Just remember, you still have control and can call the shots. (((((HUGS))))
  18. Hi Mama/Mariposa, I am out for quite some time myself. In my situation its not that I miss the past or grieve it. As some people used to say on these forums "You are grieving and missing the "Dream" the "Idea" of a Happy family and relationship, cause in reality, is that truly what you had? Or was it your dream of what you wanted it to be? This was helpful for me to snap past thinking that way. My pain and set back comes from my kids. From the relationship I wanted to have with them. I see yours still seem pretty close, and some went to live with him, that part has torn at me deeply. The scenario and life I wanted to have with my kids, has not turned out that way. I spent so much time protecting them and getting them away and keeping them emotionally safe, but he still got his hooks in them. They both went to live with him recently, so much has changed, positive and negative for me. Im not sure if you are experiencing this, that is where my sadness and downess and feeling sucked down comes in. I wanted to have a long loving relationship with my kids, have them be thankful and protective of mom, have them work together as a unit all of us to keep abuse away, but its not worked out that way. I dont have a lot of contact now and really feel sad like Im not a mom anymore, in title yes, but I cant even get a simple phone call. Its that difficult. So Im trying to find my place with all of that. Im grieving not having kids who call just to chat or tell me whats up, Im grieving having kids come to visit for holidays and us all together, even if its a day Id be happy! Sounds like your in a funk also at the moment, I think that hits all of us at times, and then some of us get a little weird around holidays, myself included. Just know your not alone, we are here to listen and Im sending you ((((HUGS))) pour out your heart and feelings, it does help.
  19. Hi Ballerina, I saw the title of your thread and had to click right away, Ive not seen anyone yet with a post similar. My ex was the same way. He used to say to me "VIcky, its that time again" and come at me with his fingers tickling motions. Id tell him no and beg him no. Hed proceed to tickle me. I would crawl into a ball, ask him to stop, of course laughing cause it tickles but pleading for him to stop. He would say "You know you like it your laughing" and it would continue, with me pleading, him pinning me down. It got to the point of me starting to cry, with me trying to gasp for breath between being tickled and begging him to stop. Something kicked in and I would get strong, like a animal trapped in a cage and Id start hitting, like feeling crazed cause it was to the point I couldnt take it anymore. And I would be in deep sobs with tears down my face, he would stop, drop me, look down and say "Your no fun" and walk away. TALK ABOUT CONFUSION!!!!!! I would lay there wondering what just happened, confused. I used to think I was no fun, what was wrong with me? This was against my will, this was NOT fun. I said NO. It is ABUSIVE! He did this to our kids too! I think that was around the last straw for me was watching him do this to them, they were 4 and 6 when we separated and my 6 yr old son was begging him to stop and I flew into the room and told him to knock it off, he told me "Back off you dont know what you are talking about" and I stood there and told him "HE SAID NO" I got such a death glare, my momma bear kicked in, I had been through it, but now the kids? HECK NO! He got off on sadistic humor. Mine would throw me in water if we were near a pool or the ocean (others also) So I hated going to the beach with him cause he just carried me off to freezing cold water and dumped me in. He used to grab my hair clips or ponytails and other girls, he was a Youth Pastor and used to do it to the girls, I used to cringe in horror when he ripped their hair clips out and look at the girls with sympathy. These are things that can fall under "Humor and being Silly" So they arent as easy to call out or point out and the abuser has a way of explaining them away with "I was just playing! Geesh you cant take a joke" Mine also used to tell me people were dead, just to be funny, and Id go into sorrow over it and then hed take it back. Hed also drive scary and erratic, laughing with me in the car begging him to stop. When we separated he had our sons and informed me our boys freaked out going on jet skis or didnt like going off road with him. UMMM HELLO? Cause he scared them also. He found it funny to scare people and not listen to people who said NO or STOP It is SADISTIC Anytime you are saying NO and someone goes against your will, whatever it is, is ABUSE This also factored into the bedroom but I wont write all that here, but I was not aware this was abuse either until I told a male friend, and he just said "Vicky! Thats not normal!" and it was like a light bulb clicked on for me. It was MY NORMAL and it was all I knew, he was my first partner, I knew him since I was 16 and we were in the church together. I did talk to mine, I did confront, I did print out sheets on abuse, I did go to pastors and counselors with him, he would deny or flip things back at me, or have his moments of saying sorry but then go back on it. The more you inform an abuser about abuse dynamics and education, the more they manipulate to turn it back on you and accuse YOU of the one doing the abusing. I suggest the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend for YOU. Read it, arm yourself and realize you cannot change him at all or make him see the light, but you CAN put a stop to what is happening to you. This is the stage where I separated from mine, where you are at. ((((Hugs))))
  20. Agree with whats being said. The kids shouldnt have to edit talking. Imagine having that pressure on you as a kid, it puts them on eggshells to have to second guess what they say, which can in turn backfire and cause them to STOP talking altogether or to be angry at you and WG. Why does WG feel they should not mention their Dad in his presence? Whats his logic there? I cant stand my ex at all, but its never been an issue if the kids mentioned somethign they did with him or if I mention something from the past their Dad and I did with my new guy around. And if the kids say things we think are kinda ick, but in our adult minds, new hubby and I discuss that part later alone between the two of us. Be thankful your kids are SHARING what they are doing there, mine have been so conditioned by the other side to hardly share anything about life at Dads or what they do with him. So when they do talk Im happy they feel at ease enough to share with me. So many kids close off and just stop talking and sharing.
  21. Lizzy many of us felt broken down and like we have nothing left. Many of us have left, only to return, again and again. The thing is, these are all steps, just like the last post, they show that you are capable of stepping out, taking risks, putting your toe in the deep end. I think some of us build up to getting out of a bad situation, its gradual, we take each step when we are truly ready. Sometimes taking a step back, but with more awareness upon each arrival. And its okay to have times where you just want to fall apart. ((((((HUGS)))))
  22. Hey all, Im in a dialogue online with a woman going through parental alienation and similar stuff with her young daughter and her Dad. A group of us are writing emails and one woman is a former child social worker and asked if she was Parallel Parenting? Im all ??? Never heard of such a term, has anyone else? I have read part of the article and see that much of the way the Parallel parenting is conducted is the way I HAVE been conducting my end. I told the Social WOrker friend that this is news to me, that our courts are big on pushing co parenting and telling parents to do so, and even sending parents to classes to "learn" to co parent and how its not helped either. How I still have contact with the mediator who ran the classes. ANd that she would frown on some of this article. The lady who sent me this said "most courts demand co-parenting. its setting up parents to be high conflict. most of the clients i work with find relieve in knowing that there is another option out there." Now granted I have used much of whats laid out here and I have never heard of this before, and granted it HAS NOT stopped the drama with the ex, BUT if the custody agreements and things stated in the court room reflected more like this style it may make less games. I like the part where it said each parent goes to teachers, coaches, etc on their own, and gets their own information, etc. And how so many abusers love to control with that statement, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO EMAIL ME AND TELL ME THIS STUFF and over and over again harrassing emails when it could say in custody matters "Each parent is responsible to gain their own information and talk to teachers, coaches, etc" most of us have orders where one is to forward to the other, which creates contact when you need no contact and creates a dynamic to use for control and games and blame. I havent read all the article yet, but find it interesting... Why Co parenting Fails and Parallel Parenting Succeeds with High Conflict Couples http://parentsinconflict.com/coparenting-blog/news-article/archive/2009/06/12/article/why-coparenting-fails-and-parallel-parenting-succeeds-with-high-conflict-couples-1.html
  23. PS. The class instructor felt if i didnt have a police report with charges on my ex that my claims of abuse were invalid by the way, I sat in her office trying to explain my situation and was in tears and she just stared at me and said "Well did you file any police reports?" A$$@^*^@^!% So you can see how much help that was for people like us in the classes
  24. Bix, Yes in our courts my ex and I were sent to Co Operative parenting and then I kept getting emails telling me how I need to CO PARENT with my ex. He took the classes and then just twisted what was in the workbook and tried to throw it at me and the mediator fell sucker to his game for quite sometime. She ended up and still does today help us via emails, but I think shes realized the other side but she is one of those optimistic and think of the best interest of your kids and why wouldnt my ex do that???? Mindsets I was mortified when I took the class by a few other women in it, hearing their situations and stories I knew they were DV situations and the class was bunk for them and going to make matters worse. So its touted around here, and part of the courts, and I always said "If we couldnt parent and work things out when we were together why on earth would it work now?" And that seems to be the thought behind the parallel parenting, just never heard it called that or suggested. The co operative parenting teacher did NOT like curb drop offs and insisted on walking to dooors, she thought both parents should be at all events and work together( I often attended and times I knew my ex was, I sometimes opted NOT to go to keep down the junk that could happen) Cause I knew. I have also been in the court and had emails of "Vicky you need to CO PARENT with me" prattled on and on and what IM SUPPOSED TO DO. Instead of each party responsible for their end. I like this far better, not sure how it is in everyone elses courts and viewpoints, but it was touted here, I think I chucked the workbook after the class. It was a nice concept and all, but for people who could work together SURE, but that is far from the case for most of us.
  25. You asked "How long is this charade last, how long before his mask falls off and he exposes his true self to his kids? " They dont stop. The problem is we are busy trying to keep our kids away from all of it, and so many of them do not realize its a charade, they dont get why their father would be fake, lie, con, what child wants to think that of their parent? They want to be loved, thats all, they want their acceptance. Many of us are dealing with it with grown children, still fighting with this, Im in a divorce group and there are three women who it continued into adulthood and the kids turned on Mom. Some are around late 20s and 30s and are finally just now starting to repair their relationships after buying into Dads games and alienating of Mom. A lot of kids dont get it till they get married and have families of their own. All I can say is focus on keeping your home as far opposite from what Dads is like, so the kids always can look back and see there WAS a difference. They may not get it when they are young, but all you can do is model and be the solid stable one. And let the mask fall when it does, dont try to over intervene and protect too much, but also dont bad talk, you can speak truth without calling names or being nasty about it. Im waiting for the mask to fall off, my 18 yr old moved in with Dad just recent and its happening as we speak, but neither of my kids want to believe Dad is a liar, so they are now having to see for themselves, however long that takes.