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dolphin_625's Blog

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Venting

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dolphin_625

Observations

Holidays were nice. I guess he finally took to heart some of the things I said to him 2 weeks ago when I was sick and at the end of my rope. WE actually went shopping for an entire day and finished the kids stuff - and he surprised me with a really nice, albeit, unnecessary gift. I surprised him with pj pants :P He also cleaned up the bedroom, wrapped gifts with me, and even went xmas-lights looking on xmas-eve - something he claimed a few days before was akin to watching the grass grow.

But of course, things couldn't stay happy-happy-joy-joy forever...we bought gifts for our nieces/nephews. We didn't exactly go out of our way to reach out to any of the in-laws since Thanksgiving - surprising to me since they usually stay in contact to make sure they get presents <_< whatever - I believe I've done everything within my power to remove myself from most contact with them - and in general, have always let R deal with his family, since all have made it clear they don't like ME (b/c of course HIS behavior is MY fault :ph34r: ).

So, he did reach out late xmas night to SIL and let her know we had gifts for the kids. Her responses have all been "please bring the presents to the kids on _____ if thats ok"...Not "hey, lets get together and have lunch/dinner and the kids can open their stuff..." nope - it's JUST been about dropping off the gifts. I think we can take a hint!

So, R is taking the stuff over on Sunday - I haven't decided if I'm going to go or not. I was just reading NR4U's thread and MG's / Binks response about "going-along to get-along". This may be selfish, but I feel I have been the bigger person over the last almost 20 years and my give-a-phoey is busted. I guess I should note for anyone who does read this that my in-laws are all very poor / on state assistance and do NOT buy gifts for our kids. They don't have the $ for gas to drive the 50 miles round-trip. They may not have any $ for food right now since its the end of the month. Honestly, this doesn't matter to us - but what gets me is the rudeness of the texts. There is no subtlety about what they want. Somehow I got stuck in the middle of this one - idk why, especially since I didn't acknowledge her message to me the day after xmas...

The latest part of this insanity is - over the spring - R borrowed his brothers (T) floor gun (nail gun for flooring) to put the wood floors in the basement. To our knowledge, this tool belongs to T, not SIL's husband (B). The other day, SIL texts and says "can u have him bring the nailgun when he comes please we have work that needs to be done thank u".

WHY are you texting me? It's taking all my will power to not respond with "Please text HIM directly - I am not a messenger, thanks" I haven't - the response seems rude.

Here is where my observation comes in...I forwarded him the message and (tried) talked to him about it last night. I asked if he had responded to the message - he said no and I said, nicely, that I didn't want to be involved.

They have been asking us for the nail gun since the end of summer (when they found out from another relative we had 'finished'). I know they briefly discussed the nail gun with ME at Thanksgiving - supposedly they had sent a message to R about it and then confronted me about not bringing it <_< R says he never got the message either (????? - I have no idea if thats truth or lie).

Anyway, back to last nights conversation (add in the fact I was PMS'ing from hell & had to cook for a party at work...)...so then I got kind of nasty & told him I just want this nail gun stuff to be resolved & to take the silly thing back. He gets nasty right back:

"The thing doesn't belong to B, it belongs to T. I don't have to return it to B - when T wants it back, I'll give it back."

ok - I understand this, but possession is 9/10th of the law in his family, and the last person in possession was B - or at least, it was at his house. So I did suggest he get in contact with T and see if he wants us to return the tool to B. Personally, with his relationships with his brothers being so strained right now, I think T IS going to tell R to return the gun to B (and why R was getting so defensive, b/c he knows I'm right :( )...but I'll get more into WHY I think so in a moment...

"T still has my $$$.$$ welder and they are not getting the nail gun back until I get my welder"

:ph34r: hmmmm - I get the underlying issue here...but imho, we can't hold this tool 'hostage' b/c he let T borrow something of his.

"Well, (blame, blame, blame) then I'll just go & buy a $$$.$$ nail gun so we can finish OUR house".

Ok - maybe this isn't such a bad idea since there are cosmetic finishes that need to be done to the basement, we are replacing the stairs with wood and the back play room. Yes, I get the T's nail gun is a top-of-the-line one and was expensive...but really, it is HIS, not ours...

So, I know we are not suppose to try & understand our abusers, but I will say WHY I believe R got so defensive (although, he didn't really cuss at me - but he was mad). I believe he KNOWS if he messages T, the likelyhood of him saying the nail gun needs to go back to B is 90% I only harbor the 10% b/c idk what the relationship is like between T & his mother right now.

T let us borrow the nail gun when we were still on his good side, when he was not speaking with / living / dependent on their mother. Since he "found god" (in jail!) and repaired his relationship with her, apparently (from what we've heard through rumors), he thinks R is being childish and needs to mend his relationship with HER...everything that happened between them was HIS fault (vis-a-vis, me to some extent of course). This is all bullshister - T needed some place to go after he got out of jail b/c his g/f's family kicked them out - so he had to make amends for all his wrong-doings.

Lets add one other "little" caveat to this craziness - the nail gun in question was NOT bought by EITHER T OR B - R's understanding is it was GIVEN to T by their mother (THEEVIL) :blink::huh::14: . Here is the thing about the psychopath - she NEVER truly GIFTS anything!!!!!! If she paid for it, I am almost 100% certain THEEVIL believe's it's HERS - and again, a reason R got mad was b/c he KNOWS this too.

So, my reasoning at this point is THEEVIL knows R has the nail gun b/c B probably told her we won't return it to THEM. When / if R messages T to ask if we can continue using it, based on where everything stands at this point, the likelyhood is he (via his g/f) is going to say it needs to go back to B. They'll be nice about it, but will say B needs it, etc...

So, let throw in the monkey-wrench of the welder. Both tools are worth abouth the same - but as I said above, I don't think we should / can hold the nail gun hostage. My MAIN reason for this, which I did bring up to him, was b/c THEEVIL has gone psychopathic before when her property isn't returned. I flat out told him my fear/concern was, based on her current state-of-mind, we may end up with the Sherriff on our doorstep to get the tool. Idk how this would work though - it was bought at least 6/7 years ago, but if THEEVIL has the receipt I know we couldn't legally hold it. The worst part is, we DO NOT have the receipt for the welder (altho R has the paperwork).

My whole point of this rant was that I don't want to start WWIII with his family over a couple hundred dollars worth of tools. He KNOWS how they are about possessions - and if he continues to refuse to return the nail gun, I could see a definate escalation - perhaps even to the level of the police.

I'd also note R has NEVER (to my knowledge) requested T return the welder - although he does know B has been asking for the nail gun for awhile.

I just want out of the drama & dysfunction - which is why I have not messaged SIL back with my snarky response to her request for the nail gun & also why I just want this to end...even if it means we lose the welder.

dolphin_625

Happy Holidays...

I've been trying to maintain the peace, but am finally at my wits end. After a week of being sick with a nasty head cold, I'm fed up with his selfish behavior.

After another blow up, tears, etc...he did offer an apology for his behavior in front of D6 - he said he apologized to her - I wasn't there so just have to take him at his word.

I should have journaled/blogged at the time, but he said he was sorry for lashing out - I told him I wasn't sorry for callnig his actions selfish, but was sorry for some of the other unkind comments I made.

I know I said I don't interfere with his hunting stuff - but between the $$ and the time away from home, I'm frustrated and sad.

All I asked was for him to get the wrapping paper from the attic. We don't have a pull down ladder to get up there - you have to set up a step ladder and climb in. 11 days from Christmas and I don't have access to the wrapping paper - something he normally pulls down and puts in our room when we get the tree out. Can't this year b/c he has tubs of clothes & his hunting stuff spread through-out - there is barely enough room to get around. So I asked Wednesday if he could pull it down so I could get started Thursday - went with D6 on her field trip and knew I would have a couple hours free. So yesterday, I call him, knowing he was home - ask if he's going hunting and get some smart-@$$ response...then ask if he can pull out the wrapping paper and catch a load of hell - he tells me it's right at the edge of the attic...D15 & I should be able to get it on our own.

Maybe we can, you pathetic excuse for a human being - but you KNOW I don't like climbing up there & we shouldn't be making D15 do it either. It would have taken less than 5 minutes of his time to get it out. But no - he was on his way to meet his hunting buddy who was waiting for him & that was too much time to take away from where HE needed to be.

He has done NOTHING for the holidays this year. He's done nothing but hunt every Saturday and every afternoon he gets off early enough to go.

I've gotten no help shopping for the girls this year - I've done it all. After getting on him last night, he did throw the wrapping paper in the hallway and wrapped a handful of small gifts - after I did the majority of it that afternoon with a couple new rolls of paper I bought.

He says "well, you've told me you already bought everything!"

Yes, I have b/c you're never home.

He tells me "well, you keep telling me there is no $$"

Well jack@$$, there isn't b/c you spent over $1,500 on hunting stuff.

Now, he got a 'real' bonus from his job - enough to put a dent in what we are suppose to be buying for the 'house' this Christmas - of course, I got what HE asked for...I doubt I'll get what I actually NEED b/c of the $$ we have to spend on this purchase...mostly b/c he's decided to earmark his bonus check (that would cover MOST of the 'house' purchase) for some hunting clothes. Over $400 worth of hunting clothes.

I feel like a sulky little kid - I feel like if I got a nice Christmas bonus, I would put it towards what we need for the house - not for myself.

So now I'm all bitter about his bonus check. It's HIS check - he earned it...I just look at things so differently. I would never just spend something like that on myself - maybe a little - but most would go to my kids..or the house...or bills...or paying my dad back...but none of that matters to him.

I feel so stupid complaining about stuff like this when people are losing their kids, their homes, their jobs...it seems so selfish...but my heart is breaking - and knowing me, I'll just eat the pain & suck it up and deal with this cr@p.

dolphin_625

Just sad...

why can't I stay mad though? Sitting, waiting for D6's cheer class to end. Then home to passive agressive anger, nasty glares and silence. I haven't tried to talk to him the last 2 days. Guess I am being PA too. I don't know what to say. This one wasn't my fault in the least - but I can tell, he's decided it IS. That's fine. There really isn't anything to hold onto - just fear of being alone...fear of what's going to happen in the future (job...bills) I wonder after 20 years, and trauma bonding - and not knowing how to be alone if I can? I guess my dad should be an inspiration. He went through the normal depression of loosing his partner of 45 years and came out the other side ok. He's even more tolerable now than he used to be.

Then I go home and look at the tree up in the living room and just wish I could be treated nicely. I don't want to be alone. I also don't want to keep dealing with the emotional rollercoaster. I know I choose to be hurt by him by staying.

It's not going to stop...when am I going to love myself enough to stop being afraid?

dolphin_625

About $$ again...

Had a huge blow up that escalated in front of D6 who was watching Rudolph. I feel like the biggest POS for ruining her movie

I shouldn't have engaged - I should have KNOWN where the conversation was going to lead - it was about $$, of course.

Didn't know he spent hundreds of dollars buying hunting gear (through PayItLater) - saw the first, unexpected payment go out today. I had planned on paying some bills...what got my hackles up was him not telling me - I pay the bills - so I could be prepared. I did get on him about the $$$ he has spent this year on hunting. It just seems so excessive to me. Maybe I am in the wrong - Idk...but then:

Got verbally abused to the nth degree (F-U b-word, F-U, stupid b-word)...all in front of D6.

Then on to the entitlement speech: He doesn't have to tell me s**t. He can spend $$ whenever & however he likes...I always question every $ he spends...SOS, different day

So, after all this, he says he is leaving - getting his own place. He's "tired of my s**t". Repeats this when D15 comes downstairs to tell us off for fighting during the movie. Says he's leaving at the first of the year. I tell him 'why not sooner?'

D15 is in her room...put D6 to bed - he's in bed. Idk...thought things were finally getting a little better, in general. Came home & he had put up the Christmas tree for D6...put some decorations out. But then I had to ask about the $$ going out the door...and all hell breaks loose - over $$.

He doesn't care - it's just my fault. I'm not suppose to question what he spends his money on. Maybe I shouldn't - it's not my place. I get mad though that there is so much to do around the house - so much we could be doing to maintain our aging vehicles...but it's his right to spend $1500+ in 3 months on hunting :( He wouldn't care even if I told him I think the $$ could be better spent on other issues. It's his right..and he is right that it is his right to spend money. I don't have to agree with it though - so the question is, what do I do? Idk...I really don't. I'd become complacent again and let my walls down, so I'm hurt - my heart & head hurt. I know he doesn't care. But sometimes what he says makes sense...just b/c I don't spend $$ on myself...why shouldn't he? Isn't that my problem?

dolphin_625

New Cycle / Gray Kitten

After a night of crazymaking and reminders of what I continue to live with, on our way to drop D6 off at school this morning, I see "Little One", a beautiful, but feral, kitten I had adopted, killed - a car ran him over. I'm so sad. He (she) was beginning to come around and just Saturday night had let me pet them for awhile. He had become a buddy to my orange tabby Pip. Pip was outside looking for him this morning...it had become routine to see Pip & Little One together. He was about a 1/2 block up the street...weird when he had been staying in our yard almost constantly since he was just an itty-bitty kitten. Maybe he found a pet door? Maybe someone else was feeding him too? Idk...just too sad his little life had to end like that.

H got his wish and hunt club membership. He's been going every weekend - just about every Friday and has taken other days off. One recent spat was about him taking time-off, but not using any vacation. As a "foreman", he is guaranteed a certain # of hours in a week - claims to be saving his vacation incase of a harsh winter. Ok...? 2010 was the anomoly of the century in the mid-atlantic - yes, some of his checks were bad that year, but c'mon - once-in-a-century! What started it was telling me he was taking a couple Monday's off - ok, I said, but xmas is coming and I told him I didn't want to be dealing with trying to keep up with the bills if his checks were going to be short. He got mad - I reminded him he put us in a bind after vacation by not using any. Told me I didn't tell him - of course not, because he would just get mad, like he was doing then.

So last night he mentions, casually, he'd planned on being gone the entire weekend with his new hunting friends - even though it's illegal to hunt in this state on Sunday - but said he was coming home Sat night b/c my dad gave us his season tix to see a football game...??? :unsure::huh:

So I start to question him about this 'weekend' camping trip.

My memory of the original conversation was he was leaving Friday afternoon and coming home Saturday. I didn't remember him saying he was taking this coming Monday off too. I KNOW - 100% certain - he NEVER said they had planned to camp Friday, Sat, & Sun nights. But of course he got mad and started yelling at me that he HAD told me... :ohmmmmm:

I admitted he may have told me about taking another Monday off (but I was peeved about him saying he wasn't using vacation) - but I KNEW, without a doubt, he NEVER, EVER said anything over the last 4 weeks about a 3 day camping trip. One night, yes - b/c we were even joking over the weekend about him sleeping on a pile of 'hot-hands' Friday night...he'd even been contemplating not camping at all and just driving up 1st thing Sat morning...

So, I get the usual barrage of underhanded comments about being stupid, not listening, never paying attention to him...but when I recall the conversation from the weekend, it becomes:

"Well maybe I f**king FORGOT to tell you the plans had changed, ok!" and it was still my fault because I am always trying to "control his every move"...and if I came home and said I was leaving for the weekend, he wouldn't care.

Of course not... :(

So I also heard about how he was going to do what he wanted to do.

Of course he is...

I wasn't going to stop him - he's gone on hunting trips plenty of times - he used to leave with his brother the night of Thanksgiving and not reutrn until Sat night. He's gone to Montana...but somehow it gets turned around on me thats it's my fault he didn't tell me.

I told him all he had to do was tell me whats going on. I'm not trying to track his every move - it's basic hunter safety for someone to know where you are in case you don't make it home.

Why does he want to keep hurting me? Because that's all he does when he acts like this. It's a reminder of how selfish he is - and I think sometimes I excuse his behavior b/c of his mother...but he's too old for excuses. He's done this too many times...and just when I thought things might be getting better :( I get my hope up that maybe he's not going to let me fall anymore, and then he doesn't just let go - he kicks me off the cliff. And I let him...and I crawl back up b/c I'm too scared / too lonely to let go myself and fly away.

11/17

So now I ask myself why this man is so incapable of saying the WORDS "I'm sorry"...but will do other little things that I know are his way of 'apologizing' for being an donkey?? Tuesday evening he cleaned up the bedroom - AND went with D15 to pick up Little One so we could bury him this weekend. He was actually very nice / almost empathetic (????) about losing the kitten. I just know how he normally is about animals, in general, so for him to do this was a definite act of kindness (hoover). Just like picking up his clothes...I didn't talk to him much Tuesday night either. He knew I was upset.

So now...well, for one, work has gotten in the way. Apparently some big job has to be done before Thanksgiving, so plans have changed. He's been very open about everything since the arguement - apparently, not only are they not hunting Monday, he may not be camping Friday? He didn't know. I didn't realize so much hinged on his friend he works with - whatever. He said he'd let me know what the plans were...I thought to myself 'why couldn't you have just done that from the beginning????'.

I admit I have gotten upset with him about hanging out with his single / drunk buddy. I was really mad last year when they went to the radio station event...he had a right to go with whomever, but it still felt like a slight to me b/c we'd always talked about going together, but never had a way to with it always falling on a weekday (kids / school). I let it get to me - I was pissed. I don't / didn't stop him, but he had to endure my wrath after-the-fact. BUT, in regards to HUNTING, I've NEVER, EVER, stopped him from doing what he wants - or given him hell.

Something that still bothers me is he chums with these guys at work, but still keeps them at arms length from his family. Especially the drunk-buddy. He's even told me he wouldn't want him around the house...??? He has stopped hanging out with him as much as he was...now it's the new hunting buddy. Another single 'dude' - a little more responsible from what I've gathered, but still not 'family' material.

Yah, other issues have crossed my mind in regards to these buddies...BUT, I've not noticed a huge change in the bedroom department - other than normal tiredness/age (lol). We've never been rabbits in heat...and truthfully it's been a little more frequent than 'usual' lately. I guess I'm trying to say he's not ignoring me in THAT department. Last night seemed like the final 'sorry' in regards to Monday's arguement...he was very attentive / erotic...'with' me - if that makes sense. The ultimate hoover I guess - whats a better 'drug' than mind-blowing sex?

dolphin_625

Continuation

<_< So, shocker, he is mad. Boils down to 2 things:

1) He believed I was forcing/telling him to sell something of HIS for less $$ than he / market thinks its worth (I didn't - I was talking about another one of his toys when I mentioned the amount in question, but he twisted it in his mind to justify treating me like sh*t)

2) He is upset I went to my dad for help with the bank reposession. This one I need to think about for awhile. I did take over when the notice came in and just went ahead and did what I thought would be most beneficial. I really didn't discuss the issue with him - maybe because when the notices were received, he threw mine at me from the stairs and then didn't seem to want to discuss the reprecussion we were looking at.

The problem is trying to discuss ANYTHING financial with him is a nightmare. I am just expected to make everything work - pay all the bills and NEVER question the amount of money he is spending on himself.

I believe he is mad because I called him out on this behavior and told him I am done dealing with a selfish a$$h0le. The name calling wasn't great on my part, but I'm fed up. He claims he can't even access the bank account :ohmmmmm: and I just went & checked the bank account, and glory-be, the $$ has been moved around to cover his checks.

Why??? Why after almost 20 years is this still an issue??? Because I am choosing to stay with this selfish man...

Then, last night, he puts something I own on Cr aigs list, for an obscenely low price - maybe 1/3 of what it is worth - just to prove a point. Just to prove he can do what he wants and if I try to be responsible with our money, I am the one who has to make sacrafices - or me & the girls - but NOT him. Don't ask him to part with any of his THINGS.

I thought he was joking last night when he said he had done this - then I saw 10 emails this morning confirming he HAD! :blink::raincloud: I've deleted the post and emailed the prospective buyers clearing the matter (I do like to use CL to sell stuff...). I also called him...and again, my not-so-lovely side shone through. I called him an a$$h0le, selfish pr!ck...and other names I'm not recalling. He said he didn't appreciate being called names and I told him calling him selfish was like "calling a spade a spade"...but he was right :( I also told him I knew where his priorities were and wondered if we needed money for the girls if they were sick if he would be willing to part with any of his possessions. That was too far - too deep a blow...I've since apologized. He would, if worse came to worse...but his actions last night did nothing to eliviate the thought that he is just so selfish...stuff is just stuff.

dolphin_625

Finances

Decided to start a blog because at this point, I am realizing somewhere in myself I am just about as sick as he is :( I am trying to grow, trying to be a better person, but it's one step forward-two steps back. I can't let go of my addictions - H being one of them. I keep wondering now what the final straw will be - is there one? Am I becoming my mother?

I need counseling, but have trouble making the time (for myself) and don't have the money. I contacted the local DV assistance program, made an appoitment...got changed by them the first time...I didn't go to the rescheduled appointment - by then, the original problems I was calling about were faded memories.

I guess I'll see, but it certainly appears the cycle is ramping back up. I've laid off the booze for awhile, we were getting things in order - a repossession finally caught up with us, but thanks to my dad, we've been able to settle without court. Did H have anything to do with this process - of course not - he hasn't even thanked me for dealing with it, let alone suggested we at least take my dad to dinner for all his help.

Then last night he informs me he is sending out a $700 check to be able to hunt this fall :ohmmmmm: I can't stop him - but considering we were on the verge of possibly losing EVERYTHING and now owe my dad $$$$$, seems amazingly irresponsible and selfish.

He also tried some crazymaking - I KNEW this was coming down the pipe - he has been looking on the internet at various hunt clubs and even mentioned he was trying to find a sponser. I guess he thought my booze-soaked brain would forget <_< He's also been acting REALLY nice to me the last 2 weeks or so - I had even started wondering what he wanted. You would think after finding out the only reason he has been nice it to butter me up so he could write a $700 check would be enough for me to say "f**k you" and go. He had to come to me for a check - then had the audacity to stick the letter in my purse to mail. I told him to get it out and stick it in the mailbox in the morning - if he left it in my purse, that was where it would stay.

Not surprisingly, he gets mad - and I tell him exactly whats on my mind...a few who may read this are on fb with me and have probably seen posts about all the problems we've been having with the house. Close to $3K has gone out the door in the last 4 months, including yesterdays $250 for the oven - but somehow it comes back around to being MY fault for not getting an insurance policy on the appliances <_<:blink: WTF???? Oh yah, he conveniently told me last summer to get one...he's incapable of doing anything like this of course. Then I rail on him about the credit card he owes less than $300 on that he refuses to make a payment to because they call him everyday!!!! WTF is WRONG with these people??? So I suggest maybe it is seriously time to start selling some of his toys - there are ATV's in the backyard that have not MOVED in FIVE FRIKKIN YEARS!!!!!!!!! No, they're HIS - and besides, he's going to fix one of them this coming weekend and start riding at his new hunt club. I asked him "with what money?" was he going to fix the POS with - we also have county personal property tax due by next Tuesday.

IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM!!!!!!

Oh yah - and he says I didn't HAVE to deal with the repossession and I should have let it go to court :blink::unsure:

And I am blamed for all of our money problems "I haven't been spending any money!" he claims - and I begin to list all of his more recent trips to the stores/malls and his purchases of shoes, clothes, tools, gauges, music from itunes, etc...He spent about $200 on new sneakers over a 3 month period b/c he kept seeing new shoes he liked...The list of things I bought for myself - 2 pairs of jeans, 1 pair of sandals, a $15 pair of sneakers (on clearance), 2 pairs of slacks for work, 4 summer-weight tops. I hadn't bought work clothes in about 2 years. Oh, and I bought an album from itunes. I was getting my toes done over the summer - that stopped & I couldn't stand my nails, so those are gone. Wastes of money anyway...I don't mind doing the toes...but don't go more than a couple times per year usually.

The other issue is after we came back from vacation, unbeknowst to me, he decided he wasn't using any of his vacation time (I have a sneaking suspecion he is planning to take the week of Thanksgiving off to hunt), so while I am counting on his money to pay the residual bills, he gets two checks that are not even HALF of his normal pay - right when we had to get the girls ready for school.

I think he believes money is growing on trees.

We have a cushion - but my vent boils down to this:

1. less than a month ago, his income was cut in half for 2 paychecks

2. we have spent a LOT of money on unexpected repairs - including vehicles - over the last year

3. he isn't taking care of his responsibilities (credit cards)

4. I just borrowed $$$ from my dad to pay off a debt we BOTH were responsible for

5. personal property tax is due

6. if this is so important I feel it's not unreasonable to ask him to sell SOMETHING to offset the costs - he has over 20 guns - he's not going to use them all at the same time - sell one.

Where does he not see the problem? There are things I want I sacrifice for. I am working a 2nd job & trying to make a little extra each month to make a dent in the debt we have. He can't do the same? And why does it always come back to ME?

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