After a night of crazymaking and reminders of what I continue to live with, on our way to drop D6 off at school this morning, I see "Little One", a beautiful, but feral, kitten I had adopted, killed - a car ran him over. I'm so sad. He (she) was beginning to come around and just Saturday night had let me pet them for awhile. He had become a buddy to my orange tabby Pip. Pip was outside looking for him this morning...it had become routine to see Pip & Little One together. He was about a 1/2 block up the street...weird when he had been staying in our yard almost constantly since he was just an itty-bitty kitten. Maybe he found a pet door? Maybe someone else was feeding him too? Idk...just too sad his little life had to end like that.
H got his wish and hunt club membership. He's been going every weekend - just about every Friday and has taken other days off. One recent spat was about him taking time-off, but not using any vacation. As a "foreman", he is guaranteed a certain # of hours in a week - claims to be saving his vacation incase of a harsh winter. Ok...? 2010 was the anomoly of the century in the mid-atlantic - yes, some of his checks were bad that year, but c'mon - once-in-a-century! What started it was telling me he was taking a couple Monday's off - ok, I said, but xmas is coming and I told him I didn't want to be dealing with trying to keep up with the bills if his checks were going to be short. He got mad - I reminded him he put us in a bind after vacation by not using any. Told me I didn't tell him - of course not, because he would just get mad, like he was doing then.
So last night he mentions, casually, he'd planned on being gone the entire weekend with his new hunting friends - even though it's illegal to hunt in this state on Sunday - but said he was coming home Sat night b/c my dad gave us his season tix to see a football game...???
So I start to question him about this 'weekend' camping trip.
My memory of the original conversation was he was leaving Friday afternoon and coming home Saturday. I didn't remember him saying he was taking this coming Monday off too. I KNOW - 100% certain - he NEVER said they had planned to camp Friday, Sat, & Sun nights. But of course he got mad and started yelling at me that he HAD told me...
I admitted he may have told me about taking another Monday off (but I was peeved about him saying he wasn't using vacation) - but I KNEW, without a doubt, he NEVER, EVER said anything over the last 4 weeks about a 3 day camping trip. One night, yes - b/c we were even joking over the weekend about him sleeping on a pile of 'hot-hands' Friday night...he'd even been contemplating not camping at all and just driving up 1st thing Sat morning...
So, I get the usual barrage of underhanded comments about being stupid, not listening, never paying attention to him...but when I recall the conversation from the weekend, it becomes:
"Well maybe I f**king FORGOT to tell you the plans had changed, ok!" and it was still my fault because I am always trying to "control his every move"...and if I came home and said I was leaving for the weekend, he wouldn't care.
Of course not...
So I also heard about how he was going to do what he wanted to do.
Of course he is...
I wasn't going to stop him - he's gone on hunting trips plenty of times - he used to leave with his brother the night of Thanksgiving and not reutrn until Sat night. He's gone to Montana...but somehow it gets turned around on me thats it's my fault he didn't tell me.
I told him all he had to do was tell me whats going on. I'm not trying to track his every move - it's basic hunter safety for someone to know where you are in case you don't make it home.
Why does he want to keep hurting me? Because that's all he does when he acts like this. It's a reminder of how selfish he is - and I think sometimes I excuse his behavior b/c of his mother...but he's too old for excuses. He's done this too many times...and just when I thought things might be getting better I get my hope up that maybe he's not going to let me fall anymore, and then he doesn't just let go - he kicks me off the cliff. And I let him...and I crawl back up b/c I'm too scared / too lonely to let go myself and fly away.
So now I ask myself why this man is so incapable of saying the WORDS "I'm sorry"...but will do other little things that I know are his way of 'apologizing' for being an donkey?? Tuesday evening he cleaned up the bedroom - AND went with D15 to pick up Little One so we could bury him this weekend. He was actually very nice / almost empathetic (????) about losing the kitten. I just know how he normally is about animals, in general, so for him to do this was a definite act of kindness (hoover). Just like picking up his clothes...I didn't talk to him much Tuesday night either. He knew I was upset.
So now...well, for one, work has gotten in the way. Apparently some big job has to be done before Thanksgiving, so plans have changed. He's been very open about everything since the arguement - apparently, not only are they not hunting Monday, he may not be camping Friday? He didn't know. I didn't realize so much hinged on his friend he works with - whatever. He said he'd let me know what the plans were...I thought to myself 'why couldn't you have just done that from the beginning????'.
I admit I have gotten upset with him about hanging out with his single / drunk buddy. I was really mad last year when they went to the radio station event...he had a right to go with whomever, but it still felt like a slight to me b/c we'd always talked about going together, but never had a way to with it always falling on a weekday (kids / school). I let it get to me - I was pissed. I don't / didn't stop him, but he had to endure my wrath after-the-fact. BUT, in regards to HUNTING, I've NEVER, EVER, stopped him from doing what he wants - or given him hell.
Something that still bothers me is he chums with these guys at work, but still keeps them at arms length from his family. Especially the drunk-buddy. He's even told me he wouldn't want him around the house...??? He has stopped hanging out with him as much as he was...now it's the new hunting buddy. Another single 'dude' - a little more responsible from what I've gathered, but still not 'family' material.
Yah, other issues have crossed my mind in regards to these buddies...BUT, I've not noticed a huge change in the bedroom department - other than normal tiredness/age (lol). We've never been rabbits in heat...and truthfully it's been a little more frequent than 'usual' lately. I guess I'm trying to say he's not ignoring me in THAT department. Last night seemed like the final 'sorry' in regards to Monday's arguement...he was very attentive / erotic...'with' me - if that makes sense. The ultimate hoover I guess - whats a better 'drug' than mind-blowing sex?