The things that make our history (Sibling and I) are sad and heartbreaking,and in a way is neither of our faults but has shaped everything. So the bad omen was the beginning. The bad omen of how they were literally born at my birthday party which was held a day early to accommodate family. My mother having to leave for the hospital and it disrupted everything. If you knew my Mother you would know that she was able to pull the center of the universe to herself, and only she could have been so dramatic. In other words things that happen with her tend to feel like more than a coincidence.
Things didn't get any better from there. I had been promised a new playmate. Of course I had expected something to magically pop out of the womb my size and age. But sibling didn't and I was incredibly disappointed, and the whole having a sibling immediately lost any of its excitement or thrill.
Now my parents were abusers with all kinds of problems. So where most parents work to ensure that their first child is supported and paid attention to during the transition time with a new baby, mind did not.
Most parents try to make sure the first child doesn't feel like they have lost their place or their value. Mine did not.
This neglect was lodged in my heart but it didn't become a full blown disease immediately, but slowly gathered momentum as my horrible and cruel parents did the unthinkable.
Instead of meeting my understandable dislike and jealousy over the new child, with some positive parenting and understanding of my feelings, because this happens with most kids, over the years they shamed me and I was essentially punished for it.
I was terrible for not completely loving this person who changed my life and stole my parents, and because I was terrible I must be punished. But they didn't stop there, my parents were not ones to give in, especially since the bible commanded you to love you "brother".
The next thing they did was force sibling on me. That included having to tell sibling that I loved them (forced) and to hug her and make up when we fought even though it was against my feelings (please see article on helping kids have their own boundaries), I wasn't allowed to have any feelings.
So by this point in my life I hated sibling. I could feel protective when other kids were against us and feel responsible for them, but a lot of the time I hated them.
My parents didn't get any better either. When sibling terrorized me, there was not relief, my parents didn't give sibling boundaries.
Then sibling learned how to act like them, following in my mothers footsteps shaming me for low intelligence and never doing anything right. It was also clear that mother preferred sibling, loved them more.
At what first seemed like my jealous opinion really came to be fairly factual evidence. Even to this day my Mother will spend an enormous amount of sibling for Christmas, while I will end up with things like a sweater.
The biggest problem with sibling aside from terrorizing behavior is that none of the things my parents have done has ever stopped hurting or in some way changed, it's never been fixed. It is so much pain to be that neglected.
So sibling never got a loving sister and I am fairly sure there is a lot of pain there in my rejection of them. For me everything about them is often painful. They are a reminder of all the hurts of my parents and the pain, and on top of that they frequently hurt me.
I pushed them away when I was much younger and I feel sad that I hurt them in that way, and sad about not being wanted myself. I understand what happened and how much it really had to do with my parents and not them.
But to get to the root of what happen I have to navigate through an unpleasant history.
So this is why it is confusing. Is sibling just holding onto that hurt and learned behaviors and is this something we can get through, or are they already too assimilated by my parents into practicing and being an abuser?