Holidays were nice. I guess he finally took to heart some of the things I said to him 2 weeks ago when I was sick and at the end of my rope. WE actually went shopping for an entire day and finished the kids stuff - and he surprised me with a really nice, albeit, unnecessary gift. I surprised him with pj pants He also cleaned up the bedroom, wrapped gifts with me, and even went xmas-lights looking on xmas-eve - something he claimed a few days before was akin to watching the grass grow.
But of course, things couldn't stay happy-happy-joy-joy forever...we bought gifts for our nieces/nephews. We didn't exactly go out of our way to reach out to any of the in-laws since Thanksgiving - surprising to me since they usually stay in contact to make sure they get presents whatever - I believe I've done everything within my power to remove myself from most contact with them - and in general, have always let R deal with his family, since all have made it clear they don't like ME (b/c of course HIS behavior is MY fault ).
So, he did reach out late xmas night to SIL and let her know we had gifts for the kids. Her responses have all been "please bring the presents to the kids on _____ if thats ok"...Not "hey, lets get together and have lunch/dinner and the kids can open their stuff..." nope - it's JUST been about dropping off the gifts. I think we can take a hint!
So, R is taking the stuff over on Sunday - I haven't decided if I'm going to go or not. I was just reading NR4U's thread and MG's / Binks response about "going-along to get-along". This may be selfish, but I feel I have been the bigger person over the last almost 20 years and my give-a-phoey is busted. I guess I should note for anyone who does read this that my in-laws are all very poor / on state assistance and do NOT buy gifts for our kids. They don't have the $ for gas to drive the 50 miles round-trip. They may not have any $ for food right now since its the end of the month. Honestly, this doesn't matter to us - but what gets me is the rudeness of the texts. There is no subtlety about what they want. Somehow I got stuck in the middle of this one - idk why, especially since I didn't acknowledge her message to me the day after xmas...
The latest part of this insanity is - over the spring - R borrowed his brothers (T) floor gun (nail gun for flooring) to put the wood floors in the basement. To our knowledge, this tool belongs to T, not SIL's husband (. The other day, SIL texts and says "can u have him bring the nailgun when he comes please we have work that needs to be done thank u".
WHY are you texting me? It's taking all my will power to not respond with "Please text HIM directly - I am not a messenger, thanks" I haven't - the response seems rude.
Here is where my observation comes in...I forwarded him the message and (tried) talked to him about it last night. I asked if he had responded to the message - he said no and I said, nicely, that I didn't want to be involved.
They have been asking us for the nail gun since the end of summer (when they found out from another relative we had 'finished'). I know they briefly discussed the nail gun with ME at Thanksgiving - supposedly they had sent a message to R about it and then confronted me about not bringing it R says he never got the message either (????? - I have no idea if thats truth or lie).
Anyway, back to last nights conversation (add in the fact I was PMS'ing from hell & had to cook for a party at work...)...so then I got kind of nasty & told him I just want this nail gun stuff to be resolved & to take the silly thing back. He gets nasty right back:
"The thing doesn't belong to B, it belongs to T. I don't have to return it to B - when T wants it back, I'll give it back."
ok - I understand this, but possession is 9/10th of the law in his family, and the last person in possession was B - or at least, it was at his house. So I did suggest he get in contact with T and see if he wants us to return the tool to B. Personally, with his relationships with his brothers being so strained right now, I think T IS going to tell R to return the gun to B (and why R was getting so defensive, b/c he knows I'm right )...but I'll get more into WHY I think so in a moment...
"T still has my $$$.$$ welder and they are not getting the nail gun back until I get my welder"
hmmmm - I get the underlying issue here...but imho, we can't hold this tool 'hostage' b/c he let T borrow something of his.
"Well, (blame, blame, blame) then I'll just go & buy a $$$.$$ nail gun so we can finish OUR house".
Ok - maybe this isn't such a bad idea since there are cosmetic finishes that need to be done to the basement, we are replacing the stairs with wood and the back play room. Yes, I get the T's nail gun is a top-of-the-line one and was expensive...but really, it is HIS, not ours...
So, I know we are not suppose to try & understand our abusers, but I will say WHY I believe R got so defensive (although, he didn't really cuss at me - but he was mad). I believe he KNOWS if he messages T, the likelyhood of him saying the nail gun needs to go back to B is 90% I only harbor the 10% b/c idk what the relationship is like between T & his mother right now.
T let us borrow the nail gun when we were still on his good side, when he was not speaking with / living / dependent on their mother. Since he "found god" (in jail!) and repaired his relationship with her, apparently (from what we've heard through rumors), he thinks R is being childish and needs to mend his relationship with HER...everything that happened between them was HIS fault (vis-a-vis, me to some extent of course). This is all bullshister - T needed some place to go after he got out of jail b/c his g/f's family kicked them out - so he had to make amends for all his wrong-doings.
Lets add one other "little" caveat to this craziness - the nail gun in question was NOT bought by EITHER T OR B - R's understanding is it was GIVEN to T by their mother (THEEVIL) . Here is the thing about the psychopath - she NEVER truly GIFTS anything!!!!!! If she paid for it, I am almost 100% certain THEEVIL believe's it's HERS - and again, a reason R got mad was b/c he KNOWS this too.
So, my reasoning at this point is THEEVIL knows R has the nail gun b/c B probably told her we won't return it to THEM. When / if R messages T to ask if we can continue using it, based on where everything stands at this point, the likelyhood is he (via his g/f) is going to say it needs to go back to B. They'll be nice about it, but will say B needs it, etc...
So, let throw in the monkey-wrench of the welder. Both tools are worth abouth the same - but as I said above, I don't think we should / can hold the nail gun hostage. My MAIN reason for this, which I did bring up to him, was b/c THEEVIL has gone psychopathic before when her property isn't returned. I flat out told him my fear/concern was, based on her current state-of-mind, we may end up with the Sherriff on our doorstep to get the tool. Idk how this would work though - it was bought at least 6/7 years ago, but if THEEVIL has the receipt I know we couldn't legally hold it. The worst part is, we DO NOT have the receipt for the welder (altho R has the paperwork).
My whole point of this rant was that I don't want to start WWIII with his family over a couple hundred dollars worth of tools. He KNOWS how they are about possessions - and if he continues to refuse to return the nail gun, I could see a definate escalation - perhaps even to the level of the police.
I'd also note R has NEVER (to my knowledge) requested T return the welder - although he does know B has been asking for the nail gun for awhile.
I just want out of the drama & dysfunction - which is why I have not messaged SIL back with my snarky response to her request for the nail gun & also why I just want this to end...even if it means we lose the welder.